One In A Million

xlii

In some mad form, a way that escapes my mind at the moment, change can be a great thing. Change can be what we long for.

But, as I've experienced, change can rip you apart, seam by seam, until you're torn to nothing.

In the time of change, I've changed a bit myself. The state of depression left me without hunger, and I lost weight dramatically. While it angered the boys - Harry, especially - to see my clothes falling from my shoulders and hips, I didn't mind. In fact, I rarely listened anymore. I didn't want to create any stronger of a bond if I was just going to leave anyway.

And, without telling anyone, I called Andi over to dye my hair. Dark brown. Every inch of my prized blonde hair dissapeared. In the high of needing change, twelve inches was cut to the floor. And then I realized it, I craved the change. With my parents passing away, having to leave England, changing where I'm living, and getting a new manager, it was all I had left: exactly what I was getting.

And, not a day later, I'm standing in the living room, surrounded by the five boys who took me in, as they yell at me for my nose piercing and brown hair.

"What were you thinking?!" Liam shouted, clutching the side of his head.

"I was thinking that maybe if a bunch of nineteen-to-twenty-somethings aren't in charge enough to keep me in England, that they aren't in charge enough to keep me from doing whatever the heck I want!" I yelled back.

"No! That's not- Lillian, we tried!" Niall protested, tears standing out against the lower of his eyes, "We tried!"

"If you tried, you didn't try hard enough!" I screamed, clenching my fists, "If you did, I wouldn't be leaving!"

Harry choked out a sob, followed by a huff and the clearing of his throat. He sighed and walked out of the room.

I pursed my lips and looked to my bare feet, shaking my head and walking past a seething Louis, "I'm going to pack."

"We tried!" Zayn called behind me.

I turned around, a red hot fury in my eyes, "You didn't try freakin' hard enough, you idiot!"

With that, I spin back around, stomping up to my room where all my suitcases and boxes were already filled to the brim. I hit the floor and sobbed, the strange and ragged noises racking my body and causing my ribs to ache.

I didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay with my friends, and with the boys. I wanted to work on my garden and practice jumps on the trampoline. I wanted to do school until I was bored out of my mind, then go downstairs to help Niall make lunch. I wanted to sit in my writing room with an over-spill of strange emotions that exploded in my head until I could get the thoughts on paper. I wanted to invite Jenner over to practice dance routines for the tour - the tour that I still had to do.

In the whirlwind of all of those emotions, I still had to go home and face my now-orphan siblings. All of us, we were now the children of my Uncle Dustin and his wife Melinda. I just wanted my mom back, I wanted to have embarresing conversations with her. I wanted my dad; for him to call me 'TIger Lily' and give me his nerdy weather facts over text every day. I wanted it all back, I wanted to stay, I didn't want the bad change. But I clung to what I had left, and that was control over my body.

To me, being skinnier than what's healthy, getting my hair cut and dyed, and getting a simple nose piercing were me taking control. It was unhealthy, but it was all I had left.

____

"Well, I'm off to Maine." I nodded, forcing a thin smile.

My brothers, Vincent, his band, Jenna, Andi, and Missy all stood in front of me. Not a single dry eye, but plenty of streaked mascara and angry expressions.

I shuffled the single suitcase I was taking with me to Maine - for a few days to see Leo - taking in a big breath and aiming to avoid the eyes of the people in front of me. I had to get on a plane in an hour, and that meant another ten minutes with them. Just . . . ten more minutes.

Jenna came up first, crushing me in a hug. I hugged her back, burying my face in her neck and possibly getting red lipstick on her skin. Another body wrapped itself around me. Vincent. Then Jared, then Missy, then Grant and Brian, then Missy and Andi. Then, finally, five more boys pilled them selves in, not even touching me but aiming to nonetheless.

The girls sobbed, while the boys tried to keep it in. They cried, they were just quiet about it. It hurt all of us. Because I loved them, and the bonds I created with them were hard to break. But I had to leave, and time was up.

I pulled away, picking my suitcase up again and wiping my eye, "I love you?" I shrugged, "And I guess this is it."

"Bye, James." Harry whispered, stepping foreword to place a soft kiss on my forehead. I hugged him, them pulled away, walking away from the house and climbing into my taxi.

That was it. England was gone.

A/N: Wooooooooooah what. This is causing me heart pains, oh my gosh! What's weird, is that I planned her dying her hair and getting a piercing . . . and, well, look in the external link. Though, Acacia Clark is originally a brunette, she was a blonde when I started this book. Not anymore! Went from Brunette to red to ombre and now it's black! But I don't see how that matters.

P.S. Please, if you've gotten this far, have the common courtesy to VOTE, COMMENT and FOLLOW