fat [EDITED]

XII

"Don't be afraid of letting go of the person hurting you."

-Zee

-

b l i n d

i n g

li

ghts

mix

ed

voic

es

-

i wake up with a gasp,
and my eyes flutter open,
my eyes search for you--
thinking i've passed out from a hit
but i'm met with Erok's eyes.

they stare into mine,
and i never noticed it before,
but his eyes were oh so beautiful.

i smile.

"i like your eyes." i say,
Erok smiles,
the doctor glances at me,
and talks to Jude.

i try listening,
but it's really hard,
when there's a ringing in your ear,
and a horrid sense of dread,
and my heart won't stop thumping.

-

"Hey, sweetie,"
Jude says,
she grabs my hand,
her eyes are red,
swollen,
she's been crying.

"Why were you crying?" i ask,
i'm not dumb,
i know something's wrong,
something's wrong with me.

"Your a little sick right now,"
she strokes my hair,
i breathe in her scent,
hers' is more like a fathers,
hints of forests,
an pine like smell.

"i'm dying aren't i?"
Erok widens his eyes,
he looks to Jude,
oh,
he didn't hear what the doctor said?

"You're not dying."
he squeezes my hand,
and looks over to the doctor
"she's not dying,
right?"

the doctor smiles,
but it's a sad smile,
where it doesn't quite meet his eyes.

i smile,
man,
i've been smiling a lot lately.

my eyes close,
my body's tired,
i'm tired,
i'm
so
tired.

-

when i wake up,
your there,
Erok is pissed off,
i can tell,
his eyes are the same color
as they were when they hit you.

"What are you doing here?"
i don't hold back the bitter,
the cold hard anger in my voice.

you wince,
and god,
it feels nice to be the one causing pain.

you hide the pain in your eyes,
but trust me,
after always hiding mine,
its easy to see others'.

"Fuck you," you snap,
and i laugh,
god i laugh so hard,
i laugh so loud Erok looks scared.

"You," my voice is quivering,
for once not with fear, but rage,
and i look you in the eye.

"You are such a fucking asshole,
you come here,
being worried or concerned,
or whatever the hell you are.

And your fucking my head up,
so for god sakes,
just tell me what the hell i am,
what the hell am i to you?!

Do you hate me or not?!"

i'm yelling,
the heart monitor is beeping wildly,
but god-
it felt good to say that.

you on the other hand,
look guilty,
and you rush onto me,
hugging me,
whispering "i'm sorry's".

but even though in my mind,
even though i've imagined this moment,
the happily ever after where
i'd forgive you-

i'm sorry
just
isn't
enough.

so i push you off,
and i stare you in your eyes,
and wow.

your eyes don't look pretty anymore,
neither does your face.

"i hate you."

...
...
...

h a s
a n y o n e
e v e r
t o l d
y o u
h o w
g o o d
i t
f e e l s
t o
l e t
g o
o f
s o m e o n e
y o u
n e e d e d
t o
l e t
g o
o f