That Girl

Never Going To Let Anyone In

After a long day of school and a bunch of drama about some chicks boyfriend who I apparently slept with (did NOT happen) I wanted nothing more than to go home and chill out. Of course, I should have known I’d have no such luck. As soon as I got in I was met with the three familiar faces of Jacks so called ‘best friends’ or ‘band mates’ if you will. Rolling my eyes, I pushed past them to go to the fridge to get myself a drink. 

“And so the ice queen is home” Zack mocks as I take a bottle of water and begin to drink it.

“Fuck up Zack” Alex snaps. I look over at him with a look of utter confusion and annoyance like I do every time he defends me, what is his game? 

“Bite me Zack” I say as I shove past the annoyingly built bassist of the stupid band, at least I think he plays bass, to be honest I could be way off, I take no interest in them, I don’t think I’ve ever heard them play. I’ve only ever heard Jack practising, which then results in an argument because he plays so fucking loud.

“As for you Gaskarth, how many times do I need to tell you I can defend myself” I snap at him as I walk out of the kitchen. I can faintly hear them all laughing and poking fun at Alex. Why does he continue to defend me when he knows the other guys will just mock him? I bet he thinks if he’s fake and nice in front of me he can get me into bed for one of his many one night stands. Fuck, he can dream on, I wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole. Wannabe rock star is not my type, even if he is good looking.  

I stormed up to my room and flung my bag across the room and face planted my bed. Peace and comfort at last! I don’t know how long I lay there for but it must have been a good while, I suspect I drifted of to sleep at some point because I don’t recall actually lying there for that long…

“Yo, me and the guys are heading out to get pizza, wanna come?” Jack said from my door way. He always invited me places with him and the ‘guys’ which I never understood, he knew I despised them all and that I’d never agree to go. Still he tries. Idiot.

“Don’t be naïve Jack, of course I don’t want to” I shot at him rudely.

“Fair enough, the offers there though sis” he said with a sad smile.

“Don’t call me that, how many times do I have to tell you I don’t want anything to do with any of you!” I spat.

“The same amount of times I have to tell you I’m your brother and I wont give up on you like Dad did” he said in the same know it all voice he always says it in. Before I could respond he was gone from sight. Ugh, when would he quit? He can tell me he wont give up on me all he wants, I know better, I know he will. Forcing myself out of bed I went over and got my cell phone from my bag to see I had 5 text messages. 

‘From: Patrick

Hey sexy, fancy coming over to mine to hang out tonight? (;’

Ugh, creep, no I don’t fancy having sex with you tonight. 

‘From: Anya

You are never going to believe what Fiona wore on her date with Tom! Fashion dilemma! Xxx’

To be honest I don’t give a damn. Of course I couldn’t text that back, if I wanted to stay as the schools ‘it’ girl I had to pretend that my bimbo posse’s gossip was juicy.

‘To: Anya

Let me guess, something that looked as though it had been knitted by nuns? X’

‘From: Kev

Hey bby, didnt c u 2day, wat u at?x’

Not replying to you, stalker.

‘From: Emma

Hello lovely, just wanting to know if you wanted to come over + have some girlie time tonight? (: xx’

‘To: Emma

Not tonight, I’m busy, sorry. xx’

Out of everyone I hung around with Emma was the nicest. She really tried to have a proper friendship with me and if I was one of those people who did friendships she’d be the one I chose as my best friend. She was down to earth and sweet to everyone, regardless of who they were. But I wasn’t one of those people so I kept her at arms length. I couldn’t afford to get close to anyone.

‘From: Ben

Y did u kiss Jeff at tht party on sat? thot we had sumfin?’

Why would I have something with someone who types like that? Scratch that why would I have something with anyone? No thanks. Turning my phone off and throwing it back into my bag I went downstairs to get something to eat. My Mum was in the kitchen cooking something and immediately turned around when I walked in.

“I’m making us chicken pasta, Jacks away out with the guys so it’s just us tonight” she said as she went back to cooking.

“Is it ready?” I asked not looking at her.

“Yes, sit down” she said smiling at me. I just sat down emotionless.

Within two minutes we were both seated with dinner in front of us.

“So how was school?” she asked desperately trying to start a conversation.

I just shrugged and began to eat. 

“So have you got any plans for the weekend?” she continued.

“No”

“You not seeing Emma? Maybe you should invite her over, she could stay you know” my Mum went on.

“No and I don’t think so, I don’t do slumber parties” I rolled my eyes.

“You don’t do anything!” My Mum stated, obviously getting annoyed.

“Good. Now that that’s established there’s no need for anymore questions” I smirked.

“I really don’t know what else to do Ella, I’ve tried everything, I’ve gave you space, I’ve forced you to do family outing’s…” she ranted with tears forming in her eyes. I forced myself to look away, I couldn’t look at her sadness. I began to feel sick, she never got upset, she always got angry. Why was she getting upset?

“I always thought you’d get over that asshole leaving us eventually, that you get back to your old self, that we could be a family again, you, jack and I” tears were now streaming down her face but I forced myself once again to look away.

“I am over him leaving, I just don’t want to be a part of this family, or any family” I said bitterly hoping to end her rant.

“But why? We aren’t going anywhere, do you hear me?” she pleaded reaching for my arm but I tugged it out of her grasp and stood up.

“Yeah for the minute, Dad wasn’t going anywhere either but he did! I don’t give a fuck though, him leaving was the best thing to happen to me, I stopped being naïve, I stopped being dependant on everyone else, I took my life into my own hands and you know what cry all you want, I may be your daughter but that means fuck all to me and it shouldn’t mean anything to you! Play happy family with Jack all you want, I don’t want anything to do with it” I spat convincingly. I wanted her to believe my words, I wanted her to let go. At least that’s what I told myself. Before she could say anything else I raced to my room and fell against the door slipping down to the floor.

I hadn’t cried in nine years, not since the night my Dad left, I promised myself that night I’d never cry again but as I remembered that promise I began to feel the unfamiliar prickle in my eyes as the tears began to fall. I could hear my Mum crying downstairs but her tears were soon drowned out by my own as I sat hugging my knees and sobbing.

The truth was I wanted a family, I wanted friends, I wanted my Mum back and I definitely wanted my twin back but I was so far gone I could never have that. Never had I admitted these feeling to myself, never had I let my guard down until now. But I couldn’t act on my weakness, I couldn’t let anyone in because I couldn’t bare to lose someone, I couldn’t bare anyone else walking out on me if they got too close. I was alone, and I tried to promise myself I was content with these feelings. Even though I knew as I cried I wasn’t and that I never would be.

A/N Drop me a comment if you're reading this, i'll update more sooner if i know i have readers who are interested in this! (: