My Equestrian life, a new year.

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Lizzy. 

We stopped leasing her. Trust me, I'm so so sad, and I'm even STILL fighting, but my mom doesn't ever want to lease her again. I love that mare, and always will, but my mom will not let me lease her ever again and theres nothing I can do about it. Im so heartbroken, you know? Cause another thing I care about leaves me so quick. I thought I would be able to love and cherish our time together for many many more years, and I wished that we would be able to go and have MORE world titles, and not just stop at one. 

I wanted this mare to be MY mare. I wanted to love her and care for her, and never let anyone touch her. I love my Liz. I love her so much it hurts. And the horrible part is that I didn't realize how much I had fallen for her until I heard the words "Lizzy's going to die" . You never know what's going to happen, and that's the horrible part of the equestrian world. Our partners die, get sick, get injured, and there is nothing we can do about it. 

We watch them leave us. 

Nobody should ever had to go through the pain of leaving something behind. It HURTS so freaking bad. 

I cry a lot. And that is so unlike me. I put on a strong face around everybody. My flaw is that I get too attached. I know so many people who can ride for 7 years and then pack their bags and go away so quick. They don't even glance at their horse as they leave, its almost like they don't even care. 

I feel like I'm betraying Lizzy so much, because how does this sound:

I bought and loved another horse because YOU had issues. And I couldn't go on with a horse with issues. 

see?

In fact, I almost don't want this horse that we are getting. I really really don't. 

Its a gelding too. This is the hardest part of this. It may not seem hard, but ever since Bucky left I can't be around another gelding without thinking of Bucky. This is going to hurt so bad. 

I'm ging to hate coming to the barn everyday and seeing Lizzy in her stall. And every time I walk past she whinnies and neighs, she wants attention, but noooo. Because I'm going to be riding my new horse. The one I need to love now, and pay attention too now. 

How am I supposed to pick up my heart and transfer it to something completely different????? It just doesn't happen that way. I can't do this... I really can't.