Quotes With The Most

||Mitch Hedberg||

If you haven't heard of him, he is a comedian and I suggest you look him up. Definitely on YouTube - the guy has a sense of humor I can relate to. His delivery may not be what you're used to at first, also some of his jokes are a bit R rated, but I've posted most of the clean jokes here. RIP Mitch Hedberg.

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"I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong."

I had a job interview at an insurance company once and the lady said "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I said "Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question."

I used to live here in Los Angeles, on Sierra Bonita, and I had an apartment, and I had a neighbor. And whenever he would knock on my wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down. And that made me angry, cause I like loud music. So when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say, "Go around! I cannot open the wall. I don't know if you have a doorknob on the other side, but over here there's nothing... it's just flat!"

I saw a lady with a flower, she was plucking out the petals, she was saying "he loves me, he loves me not." Thank god the flower can't talk, what would it say? "F**k that hurts. F**k that hurts as well. F**k, leave me alone. I'm no longer pretty... And he loves you not. I could have told you I had an even number of petals!"

Dogs are forever in the pushup position.

I like the public hot tub at the hotels, the whirlpool. I like to go there when there's a guy in there already and say "Hey, man, you mind if I join ya?" And he says "no." Then I go and I turn the whirlpool heat up. Then I come by and I add some carrots and onions... then I say "Hey man, just simmer for ahw-I mean, sit there."

Now if I was to give a duck bread, I'd give him Pepperidge Farm bread because that shit's fancy. It's wrapped twice. So you open it... and it still ain't opened. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need another step between me and toast.

If you find yourself lost in the woods, f*** it, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament."

People teach their dogs to sit. It's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life. A dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.

That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like, you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and then they would travel down to your stomach, then when they get there, the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

A snake bite emergency repair kit is a body bag.

I got a robe. It's not a robe, really, it's just a towel that fits me.

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music"... as though there's any other way you can take it in.