Why She Does It

10-14-16

Sophia's POV

Today I wake up to a soggy pillow, wet from me crying myself to sleep again. Last night me, dad, Donovan, and Jen talked to my mom about some rules my dad and Jen are making because of the last time me and Donovan were out with her. 

When we were visiting our mom, Donovan was at a football game because he's in band, and I was in the car with my mom along with my little brother Javen who's 8 years old. My mom doesn't have any money so she couldn't get any gas, so she ran it until we were just rolling downhill and we stopped when it became flat again. It was the middle of the night, if not later.  So then we were late to pick up Donovan and he started calling and yelling at her and we flagged two people. The first guy left and didn't come back. The last guy was in the military and helped us out. (I wasn't thinking about how people in the military are literally trained to kill people, I was only expecting the worst like I always do) Since the first guy left us, we thought the other guy did too, so we started running towards the highschool to try to get Donovan, and the military guy named Chris drove up behind us, honked twice, and yelled at us saying "Hey!  What are you doing? Get in my car right now! You told me to do something, I got the gas, I'm going to do it!" So we got in the car, and he drove us back to our car and said that we don't have to pay him. After that, the cops have been off and on the phone, and they said to meet them behind an Arby's because they had to take Donovan from the school and drop him off with us, they just couldn't pass the line that separates Crowley and Burleson. After we got him and thanked the officer, we left and didn't want to say anything to my dad because I was afraid that he would take me away rom mom and we wouldn't get to see her that weekend. 

Once he found out, he was crying because we were put in danger and he was scared we could've been kidnapped or killed instead of calling him and being safe. So now we have rules that we HAVE to follow. 

1. We aren't allowed to stay the night over there 

2. We have to say where we are going 

3. Mom has to be more responsible with her kids (that would be us, of course) 

4. We have to tell them everywhere we go. When we leave, and when we come back

5. If anything that would look bad on the outside (like a strangers perspective, not my own because I have to be seriously threatened in order to feel scared at all since I'm ALWAYS thinking of the worst and figuring out different situations and trying to get prepared if any of them do happen) then we have to call them and they will pick us up and probably drop us off at her house unless it's crazy bad and we have to go home with him

And after a while, we can go back to the regular visits. 

Anyways, having that conversation, the yelling, the crying, it stressed me out and gave me anxiety. Then in the car on the way to school, Jennifer found out I was taking a fruit snack and a brownie for my lunch. She started calling me a sneaky lying whore because I was "pretending" to take a "good" lunch with a yogurt. But in the beginning I was taking yogurts, and then I started running out of time to eat them and they were starting to taste nasty so I quit eating them and quit asking for them. I also wanted to become anorexic, because I was getting more comments than usual on how fat I am, without my friends knowing it, so I was taking as little amount of food I could. So yeah, she was calling me names and yelling at over something she didn't know about. 

So I wasn't having a good day, then at school, I'm walking through the halls and people look at me and roll their eyes, scrunch up their noses in disgust and then act as if I'm not even real. But that's the better part of it, if they do realize I'm not just some nightmare they're imagining, they make fun of me. They call me fat. ugly, stupid, gay, say I need help, yell out things like "Hey! You should go cut yourself again!" or something like that, like "You probably cut yourself, don't you?! Dumb faggot! You're so fucking stupid! You're crazy, you need some fuckin' help!" 

I just feel so fucking hurt. I try not to cry in front of people, and it's really hard not to do that when people are calling you shit like that. Then, I went home like nothing ever happened, and I get yelled at for my grades like every other day, and my self-esteem get's somehow even lower than it already is. I have to try to act like it's nothing, then go to bed, only to stay up all night 'cause of my insomnia and over think and cry. I "wake up" the next morning, and it's the same thing as every other day. Same clothes, same thing being yelled at me just like every other day, and I have to go to school like nothing happened. Like I'm not dying. Like my heart isn't burning, swelling. Like my chest isn't heavy. Like it's not hard to breathe. Like there's not all the different ways to kill yourself flashing through my mind. Like I'm as normal as I'll ever be. Like I'm actually happy. Like I don't want to cry every second of the day. My girlfriend and Cassidy are the main reasons why I still have hope. 

I watched this video about this girl who killed herself. Heer mom walked in and passed out, her dad fell to his knee's and wouldn't stop crying he never cries. Her little sister walks in and swings her body crying and sayin "sissy, please wake up, Please wake up, sissy please wake up!" Her sister was as old as my brother, I don't want to put my family through that, so I won't kill myself. It's just that I won't move out of the road when a car comes around the corner, or I won't hold onto something if I fall off of something.