Knife

10 - Before I Knew It

Why are they so lacking? Why can't they make time for me? Why am I the only one that's getting neglected while my sister is being smothered why all the attention that I should get?

Why are you such bad parents?

Anger rose in me like the waves of the tsunami, rising higher and higher until they threaten to take over civilization. And when they do, they crash down in a mighty wave of destruction and decimate the city. There was no calming this rage. This rage had built up in me for months, years now, from the end of first grade to the beginning of sixth.

This is far from the first time you've ignored me; i won't let you go anymore.

Malice-filled with rage, a plan of evil rose up in me.

This is it. I won't let you get away with your evil acts any longer.

Cherish your moments; rage shall wash you away forever.

I somehow never realized how unfitting a punishment I was planning. My parents had never realized they weren't paying attention to me, they were simply limited to the 24 hours in a day that everyone had. It never occurred to me then that maybe I wasn't the one not trying hard enough.

I never realized. Wouldn't ever realize anything soon enough, fast enough to prevent destruction that would end up decimating everything I knew.

Because before I knew it, I had a knife in my hands.

Before I knew it, it was stabbed within the throat of my father.

Before I knew it, warm red blood was flowing from the wound.

Before I knew it, his heart stopped beating.

And before I knew it, I had made one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

***

But I didn't realize the true horror of the crime I was committing. To me, this was some of punishment. Like they deserved to be killed or something like that.

No. I was wrong.

Completely wrong.

Because they didn't deserve it. I only realize after everything is said and done, when everything is finally thought through, that if anyone deserved killing, it was me. Because who was the one that manipulated everyone to the point that they no longer had personality? Who was the one that had killed at the age of six? Who was the one that couldn't even overcome the slightest obstacles, who never tried hard for anything?

I didn't deserve this power. I didn't deserve to live and be here sometimes. And in my rage, my whole family was slashed apart and killed, their warmth dissolving on my fingers and leaving their imprint there forever, telling me and bleeding me red that you killed them, you killed them.

And when everything finally reached my mind, when I finally realized what I had done, I crouched down onto the floor and cried my heart out, cried and cried for everything that I had done, and that I was sorry, that I didn't mean, and come back, please! Because I didn't want to be alone here, I didn't want to abandoned, I didn't want to come home every day to silence and darkness and be told by my mind every day you're not good enough, you corrupted and malicious thing. You don't deserve to be alive when you slaughtered your entire family out of hate and anger. You don't deserve to be here when all your family ever wanted for you was for you to prosper and become a great person.

You don't deserve to exist.

And my twisted mind would continue to batter what was left of my consciousness, warping what used to be happy thoughts and happy feelings into thoughts of self-pity and feelings of hate, thoughts of guilt and feelings of remorse.

Until it was overcome completely.