A Day with Anxiety

Lunch Break Down

"Ding-ding" Lunch time, finally! I once again gather my smokes, keys and phone, punch out and walk the long walk way to the smoke pit. My office fills with the smell of left overs, fast food and frozen dinners. While others get together and carpool and go out to eat, I have always been the one left behind. I really don't care. At least I get to be alone. I lite my cigarette. The rush of nicotine pulsing through my body send shivers of enjoyment down my spine as I take another puff and start walking. 

The sun is bright and for one small part of my day I see a touch of beauty in the world. I look back down, after gazing in total aw over the sky, and begin to feel the pulsing from each little scratch that has covered my body. I begin to chew my lip again but, rather make myself stop I let it continue hoping to have just a peaceful walk to the smoke pit. 

I arrive at the smoke pit and am shock by the fact that I was alone. That almost never happens and of course I wasn't going to complain about the peace and quiet I would get for once. I sit, smoking my cigarette and trying to shake the thought of suicide. A man walks up to the smoke pit and I try to look busy on my phone. 

"Hey, how are you?" he asks. I nod my head and respond with "I'm fine" trying to keep it short and sweet hoping maybe he will get the hint and leave me alone. "Beautiful weather we are having today isn't it?" he says with an overly happy voice. I nod my head but keep silent. I try to quickly smoke whats left of my cigarette. I stand to my feet, throw out my cigarette and quickly walk away with my head down once again. 

I return back to the bathroom to wash my hands and face. As I look deep into my own eyes I realize I don't even recognize myself any longer. My eyes are heavy with bags and dark marks. My lips are cracked with a small hint of blood on the side from my bleeding cheeks. I wipe it away. My face is overflowed with small scabs from constantly scratching and picking at it when I am trying to hold myself together. "Bam". The bathroom door opens.

I quickly drop my hands into the sink and pretend to be watching them as the visitor shuffles her way to a stall. I quickly dry my hands and take one last glace at myself as I think how could no one else see that i'm not me? How can others recognize me as just fine when I cant even recognize myself any longer? I hurry out of the bathroom. 

Walking back down the same hall I have taken all day, I try to process the questions running through my head. Have I always looked like this? Can anyone see there is something wrong but chooses to turn the other way? Am I just not worth peoples time? I continue to ponder on these questions until I fins myself once again at my desk. 

I begin to work as my coworkers shuffle in with their full bellies and tired eyes. I flip through the papers on my desk thoroughly and quick, trying to catch up on some of my work. More papers are dropped on my desk and the quicker I work the more the papers multiply by the second it seems. I finally get myself a little calm as well as my work caught up a little more.

My coworkers begin to package deliveries and with every screeching sound of their packaging tape, I begin to lose my self again. The screeching rings through my ears and hammers my brain. I tense my entire body as I fight back tears and try to hold it all together. From their point of view i'm sure I just look like I am quickly at work but inside i'm falling apart. "Screech"! My eyes begin to water and I hold back the tears. "Screech"! I begin screaming in my head as i hold my breath to keep the screams only inside. "Screech"! I tighten up and begin to shake.

The moment I feel like I can not handle one more screeching noise, it stops. I let out a small gasp of breath, trying to not be evident about the torture I just went through. I quickly get up and walk to the mail room. The printer prints papers rapidly, phones ring in the main office, coworkers strike their staples with massive force and as I am enclosed by the sounds of the "daily office life", my mind begins to fade again.