The Story That Has Everything (A Parody) - COMPLETED

Here be an intellectual title

Chapter 4

Dear Diary,

I still can’t believe that I’m a princess. Princess of Paese dei Sogni. And that my dad isn’t dead, but King Babbo. And that I have a hottie brother who is totally off-limits. Sigh. Anyway, Daddy told me that it was time for me to finally get a proper education and send me to this all-boys boarding school. Usually only boys get to go there, but since I’m the princess and the chosen one – at least that’s what everyone believes I am, because I have this mark: turns out the beauty spot right next to my eyebrow that looks like the number one is the indicator of that – I have to get proper training which is only available at the all-boys boarding school. And I even have to room with this major asshat Hottie. Yes, his name is Hottie. Ugh. I hate him, even though I drool every time I see him.

Every one has at least one of twelve different gifts or abilities. The more gifts you have, the stronger and more popular you are. Some guys have eight gifts! Like my scrumptious… ahem, like my brother. My room mate has seven. The teachers have up to ten gifts! I asked if anyone had ever had all twelve gifts. Nope. Never ever happened, never ever will happen.

Needless to say, everybody bullies me. I have no gift. Yet. And I’m the only girl. Although every one has the hots for me, they all bully me.

Oh, the bell is ringing! Have to go.


Dear Diary,

I’m back. Oh. My. God. Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod!!! I was assigned a special tutor today to tap my supernatural abilities. And let me tell you: he is sooooooooooooo hot!!! He is the hottest guy I have ever seen! Totally!

And he’s only three or four years older than me! Yeah, I know, that’s probably impossible, because he didn’t have enough time for proper teacher training and everything, but that’s just the way it is. And let me tell you. There were sparks flying between us! Actual sparks. Yep, finally I have been able to use one of my hidden talents. All thanks to him – Mr. Magister. But I can call him Bob. And I’m pretty sure he likes me too. He keeps looking at me when he thinks I don’t notice it. Ugh. Why does he have to be my teacher? Why?

Oh, there is someone at the door! Instead of answering right away and hiding you, diary, I just had to write this down so you know why I stopped in the middle of telling you everything. So there.


“What were you doing? Why did you lock the door?” my room mate Hottie asked me.

“Nothing,” I reassured him.


Dear Diary,

guess what? We had this sort of tournament and I beat everyone else in school! Don’t tell anyone else, but I have a huge secret. Gigantic. Ready? I really am the chosen one. And I am the only one in the history of Paese dei Sogni who possesses the whole dozen of special abilities! Only my teacher and my dad, the king, know it, though. It would be horrible if somebody else would figure it out! I’m the only hope our magical kingdom has to survive. My powers are so powerful! Still I knew exactly how to handle them right away, although all the other kids have had and needed years of training.

So. I’m doing the smart thing and writing all my deepest secrets down and sharing them with you, diary. This way, nobody will ever find out about them! Unless somebody reads you, of course. Yeah, right. As if something like that would ever happen. Get real.

Anyways, I kissed my teacher! Ohmygod. He is such a great kisser! He declared his immortal and undying love for me right away, but he told me that it is wrong. Even when I suggested hiding our relationship from all the others, he disagreed. But I already have an idea. I’m going to ask my room mate Hottie if he would be willing to be fake dating me. I bet he will be. Because I know his secret – he’s got a boyfriend. His own bodyguard, of all things! And nobody would ever think about him and his boyfriend or suspect something between me and Bob when we two date each other. I mean, come on: why should anybody object against the only female on campus dating her male room mate? Exactly.

Oops. Gotta go.


“What? Dating you?” Hottie spat out disgusted. “Never!”

Time for my persuasion tactics. He didn’t stand a chance. “But –“

“Okay, I’m gonna be your fake boyfriend,” Hottie caved in immediately.

Ha, I knew it!

“Toda, the King is on his way to get you”, Beppo, my talking gecko, informed me as soon as he crawled underneath my dorm door, just as Hottie and I were talking about the rules involving our fake dating business.

“Toda, it’s time for you to come home,” my dad told me. “You have to get ready for the wedding.”