What was your name ? (Jongtae)

I asked you

Someone patted me on the back. Someone whispered their condolences as they scurried past me.
"I'm sorry".
"He was so young".

It was the usual words that were spoken at a funeral. I looked down at my hands. They were sore with the amount of times I had rubbed them together or shook someone's hand as they repeated those phases repeatedly.
Yes, he was too young. No, you're not sorry. If sorry would bring him back would you want it to? Can sorry ever bring someone back? Can I exchange my life for his? Is there a god?

So many questions.... so many horrible questions and no one to answer them. They tell me it's time. Time for what? Time to finally say goodbye? Time to say your name one last time? Time to look at your face?

I breath in deeply. I can't breathe anymore. The sorrow... pitifulness is suffocating.

Suffocating....

I follow the crowds of people wearing black. All marching to the church. For what? For them to congregate together to swallow me whole.

I walk to the church now. I'm heavy. I feel heavy. I sit at the front row with his family. They hold my hand giving me understanding looks. But they don't understand... they didn't know him like I knew him. He was everything. He was the very air I breathed and now there is none. He was the blush in my cheeks, the smile that played on my lips... he was everything.

The paralysing effect of death still laying heavily on me. No tears have shed yet. No sobs have been heard aloud. Just gentle sniffles in this room full of strangers who never knew him.

His mother looked at me. She rubbed my hand and then I realised for that moment that I was deaf. She said words that never hit my ears. I couldn't recognise them. Like inaudible whispers I hear nothing but ringing. It was the ringing of grief through my ears. She pushed me up. Her lips moving in something I thought was "it's time". What was time?

I stumbled up to the podium. It was daunting and frightening. They were looking at me. They were looking at me for answers... for comfort and here I stood completely deaf and unable to even breath let alone speak.

I looked at all these unfamiliar faces. One looked me back. It was him. He stood right at the back of the church. He was the one in white. He stood at the back his beauty still undeniable. His skin still coloured and a smile playing on his lips. He was leaning against the wall...

"Sorry"

That word tumbling out of my mouth. Everyone looked at me. As though that word was foreign.
He mouthed to me "it's okay".

What's okay? What am I doing? What is there to say?

I breathed.

"Taemin... who was he?" I said the words fumbling out of my mouth. I breath again. He was looking at me.

"Do you remember?" I asked.
He nodded.
"When I first met you?" I laughed "I remember it was at a party. And what did I do first when I met you? I asked you what your name was" the words were pouring out my mouth as I addressed the man in white. Nostalgia glimmering in my eyes.

"And what did you say? Taemin. You said your name was Taemin and I said I was Jonghyun and then what did you say? Tequila.

That night I don't remember much. Well... other than your name. You became my friend. The shoulder I could rely on.... you were exactly what I needed.

we began to talk more and more... soon we began to see each other more often. I remember that one time we were sat on the beach... it was then that I actually really noticed you for you. the way the sea breeze was kissing your face and your fragile hands holding back your black hair and the way your nose scrunched in the cold. I didn't know why we went to the beach in winter but we did. and I know I just described you in too much detail and yes you always told me off for it but how could I not? you were beautiful. you were like a drug and I was an addict I couldn't take me eyes away from you.