The Heartbreak Diaries

October 25

Last night I dreamt of him.

I had a really bad day at school and I couldn't find my bus in the line up outside the building. He came up to me.

"What are you doing?"

I pouted. "I can't find the bus."

He smiled in amusement and took my hand, making my heart skip a beat. My cheeks burned as he led me through the flow of people to our bus.

"Thanks," I said as we walked up the stairs and down the aisle to our seats.

I was about sit in my usual one behind his, but to my surprise, he held my arm before I could pass him by.

"Sit with me."

I blushed but nodded, settling beside him as he readjusted his backpack so that I would be comfortable. Today was a very stressful day. The bus driver revved the engines and we started moving onto the main road, home bound. Yawning, I felt the sleep that I had neglected for two days come creeping up on me. My head tilted back against the seat. Then I felt his arm around me, pulling me to his side.

"It's ok," he murmured gently and slid down a little in the seat.

I laid my head on his shoulder, feeling the warmth of his body like a comforting blanket. This must've been a dream. He would never do this for me... If it is a dream, I hope I never wake up.

AAAAAAND I'm awake. I had frikin tears on my pillow when I got up this morning!! And I'm still feeling the after effects! It's like a dream-come-true hangover but it really was just a dream...dammit.

. . .

He wasn't on bus this morning. The morning and the afternoon is really the only time I get to see him since we only have one class together, and I'm busy during my lunch breaks too. Ugh...why is my life so crappy?

. . .

Everyday after second period, I see him walking down the stairs and passing me by. He never knows that I'm there and I don't think he ever will... Even though I've confessed to him and even asked him out, I don't think we're ever going to be together in the way that I wish for. As the "secretary" of my school's singing division (I'm technically just the musical nomad of the school, meaning I just go wherever I please and no one has a problem with it...however I know most of the schedules involving music so that kind of makes me the "secretary" I guess...?) I'm sitting alone at my "secretarial" desk in the music room with my glasses on and my laptop in front of me, looking frikin smart, and giving information to people who need it. I love my job~

. . .

I'm in one of my last periods now. Everyone is in the library to use books as references for the new large paper that our class is writing. This is the one class that I have with him a day. We're still good friends, but he assigned to sit with his other friend and another girl. They're far from my table both in the classroom and in the library. I can see him very cleary: the smile on his face when the girl says something funny, the comments he makes to his friend on a new game they're playing. I watch on with melancholy and a sadness in my heart that can't be explained. I know that he needs to live his own life, but that's a life that I'm not a part of; not really. I'm always thinking "does he like her?" or "is she better than me?" and "why won't he look at/notice me?". I feel jealous when he's around other girls, but I shouldn't!! It's bad to be jealous of other people...but I feel like I can't help it. I have such a strong emotional connection with him that I feel as though I am alone when he isn't around...but I don't feel like it's reciprocated.

I'm not sure if he's going to be on the bus this afternoon...I hope he is, or else I'm going to be depressed again. I just hope that whatever happens in the future, he's happy...even if I'm not.

. . .

He was on the bus this afternoon, to my surprise. I was sure he was going to stay after school for something, but I guess he didn't need to. We didn't talk much today...it made me a little depressed. When I got off the bus, I looked back at him and he looked at me. I felt sad when our eyes met, so I just continued walking to my house. A little while later he texted me asking if I was mad at him for something. I said no. Then he responded that when I looked back it seemed like I was giving him a "fuck you" expression. I immediately apologized over and over. I had no idea that my face looked like that!!

 . . .

When my dad got home, we left to visit a high school for my younger brother (it was an open house and he's graduating 8th grade this year). I texted on the way there, asking questions about if I should write a book. I gave him three genres to choose from. In the end he chose romance. Then I gave names. He picked two, one for the girl one for the boy. This kept going on until I got to the high school. I said goodbye when I got out of the car, and entered the building.

. . .

Fast forwarding past the tour and the open house announcements and blah blah blah, I found out that my parents talked to the administrators of the school, who said they had opening in courses I was interested in (I filled out a form of possible application in case we moved or something so I could finish my senior year at the new high school). My mom said I could be transferring this year. I was shocked. I immediately texted my friends about it. My best friend (notice I haven't named names...if he reads this I'll be so screwed) answered that he was willing to listen to what I had to say. I literally word vomited on him, spilling everything; I was scared, nervous, confused. I didn't know what to think. He said that if it was a once in a lifetime chance that I should take it, and that even though we wouldn't see each other everyday, we could still hangout over the weekends or talk on the phone or text each other. I thought about it, but then told him that it took me two and a half years to get used to our high school, and I was like death freshman year because I was so depressed. I had nothing. I knew nothing. I was another face in the crowd. If I went to the new school, I would have NO ONE to turn to. He'd be back at the school we shared, and I'd be alone in a new environment, praying to survive. Emptiness started to fill my chest and tears brimmed in my eyes. I didn't want to leave. No, I didn't want to leave him. There's a difference. 

My parents told me to choose whether I go or not over the next few days...

I don't know if I can do this...

~ April