Clouded

Ever after

Doesn't everyone always say that no matter what, things will always get better?

That you will one day have your own happily ever after?

Well the truth is, its bullshit.

No matter how many times I've held onto a thread of hope, It was cut clean and I fell further than I thought I ever could. Each and every time I hoped for better, it caused me more pain. Every. Fucking. Time.

So I'm done, I'm done with this corrupted world where I am its pawn, I am done with this life in which I have no control over.

These last thoughts brought some relief to my tense frame as I hovered at the edge, prepared to step from the crisp blades of grass that tickled my pale toes and feel the icy rush of waves envelope me, wipe away anything I was or will ever be.

It felt refreshing, to finally feel free, to not feel forced to live in the shell of a person you once were, so much so that I made the mistake of lingering for a second too long.

Feeling the sudden warmth of a hand on my shoulder ruined the moment instantly, and while I tried to move forward, into the empty space before me, almost to tease me, I was held firmly back as an arm wrapped securely around my waist and I heard the panic in an Irish accent break my perfect reality.

I was eventually pulled away completely and my legs could no longer hold me as I broke down, tears trailed down my cheeks as I landed in a heap on the side of the cliff. Careful arms surrounded me and I could see him, through my blurred vision.

A Small, shortish and thin, man, with lime green hair,  that seemed slightly faded and ocean blue eyes that stared back at me, into my chestnut ones. He seemed so.. familiar?

I wasn't interested.

Whoever this man was, he had shattered my only resolve.

I could hear him, as he whispered comforting words to me, telling me everything would be okay, even though anyone could see he was scared, his beautiful blue orbs glazed over with unshed tears.

We sat there for what felt like the best part of an hour, when in reality it could have only been a few minutes. To be honest, I didn't have the best concept of time anymore.. I lost that a while back, before hours blurred into days and days into weeks. What was time anyway? the count down till your death? if so.. it seems my clock broke, paused in a time rift as this stranger cradled my malnourished body. He held me so gently, as if I could shatter like glass, though the truth was, that had already happened. A long time before he met me. Unless?.. do I know him?

I felt tears that weren't my own slide down to my shoulder blade, the cold hit me and sent a shudder though my small frame.

He suddenly pulled away, looking at me fully, his eyes bright red, contrasting against his pale porcelain skin. Mine probably looked similar, but I didn't care. He wouldn't care. No one cared. He was most likely disgusted with me, at the act of suicide, at my scarred, bruised form. I felt sick, the weight on my chest was back and my breath came out as misted clouds, in the crisp winter air.

'H..Hey.. You s..scared the shit outta me there..' he spoke, his voice slightly broken.

Like me.

Something about him struck me, he seemed too familiar, his voice, his eyes, the hair.. but no.. it couldn't be.. suddenly it all clicked into place and and I shivered, only to cause him to hold me more firmly.

Memories flooded my mind, memories I had thought were forced away. Memories that I thought I would never relive..

Slowly I realised my mistake. I couldn't do this.. not after last time. No more. I couldn't have him become attached, I couldn't have another person suffer because of my presence.

I struggled out of his hold and moved to stand, I was too exhausted and mentally drained to do much other than stand still as the wind blew my Autumn hair into separate ringlets and tears streamed down my reddened cheeks.

I'm broken, so much so that he couldn't even recognise me anymore.. 

Some part of me still cared and my heart fell deep in my stomach, the sinking feeling of loss hit me. No.. no no.. I can't deal with this again.. it hurts.. more so than any physical pain could.. God I miss you, mark.

He stood as well and tried to move closer, but I turned too fast, about to make a run for it, when I felt a head rush seep into my mind, It distorted my perspective and a deep blackness shaded in my vision as I collapsed, feeling myself snatched out of the air by the familiar arms that had held me moments before as I fell unconscious.

Some selfish part of me hoped I wouldn't wake up, that I could finally have my happily ever after.

A/N : This story is purely fictional however if you do suffer with any of these things described in the story such as suicidal thoughts, self harm and depression, do not suffer alone, ever.

United Kingdom Suicide Hot Line : 116 123

United States Suicide Hot Line : 1 800 273 8255

If you are in a different country. Google 'Suicide hotline' and a number should come up for you to call. Or if you ever want to talk to someone I'm here too so feel free to message me anytime.