3:02am

Chapter Five - PAPER SCENE

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

Two things;
First, this is the 2nd half to the previous chapter that I left on a cliffhanger, I am truly sorry. You may need tissues (you will need tissues)
Secondly, the poem, is lyrics from the song "Saturn" by Sleeping At Last, I needed to integrate it without making it about a song, because it's heartbreakingly accurate to the storyline.

Lastly, I'm sorry if I make you cry, I need you to feel what I feel when I write the chapters, all chapters, I want you to fall madly in love with the whole story not just the characters.

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Chapter Five – PAPER SCENE

Clarke sat, crossed legged in front of Lexa, picking at the skin around her fingernails. Lexa's hand rested lightly on her thigh, fingertips gently stroking comforting circles over the scars on Clarke's on pale skin, whilst the rain beat down on the boat above them, thunder rumbled and lightning bristled crackling across the bay, churning the sea into a wicked frenzy, their little dug out was quiet, peaceful even. It's sides carved out by Clarke's hands, patted into shape by her palms and moulded into a little 'escape the real world' module. It was a tight fit and the air was stale with the smell of spoilt fish and static electricity. Lexa was silent, her eyes watched Clarke like a hawk, studying her breathing, the way her chest rose and fell slightly too fast as she battled the demons inside her. She ceased the motions of her circles and instead shifted closer till their knees were touching and Lexa could reach for Clarke's hands to stop the incessant picking, the obsessive compulsive need to do something with her hands just to calm her nerves. Clasping Clarke's hands in her own, Lexa held them gently despite their shaking, despite the feeling that Clarke just wanted to pull away and sink back into the weird comfort of knowing she was the only one who knew and therefore nothing bad would happen, because she was strong enough to keep the secret she had promised her father she would keep, even from her own mother.

Clarke drew her gaze with Lexa's, the pain behind her gorgeous blues damn near broke Lexa's heart in two. Pulling herself closer still, she lifted Clarke's hands up to her lips and kissed them lightly;

"It's okay.."

She whispered soothingly,

"It's okay.. I'm still here.."

The first tear coursed down Clarke's cheek, breaking the barrier she had held up for so long, the long hard stone wall was collapsing under the weight of Lexa's love and she let it...

"It was me.."

Clarke swallowed roughly, feeling the words catching but forcing them out regardless, "I was driving that day, we'd.." another gritty swallow, "..we'd just come back from a game, we won and it was one of the most memorable days I have up here" she tapped her forehead lightly, "... when I remember him he's smiling, and joking around, there isn't an ending, it keeps on in an infinite slow motion reel and sometimes my mom is there too" she smiled momentarily as though the memory was the last she had of them being happy as a family, stifling a sob Clarke looked down as she blinked away the tears, it was a moment before she spoke again, and when she did it was with a different tone of voice, a fleeting, scared child stuck in a never-ending story of sadness;

"When the car rolled I heard it, his back snapped in two and I cannot shake the screams, so so many screams" She had pulled her hands away from Lexa's now and they pressed violently against her ears as though those screams were all she could hear now in the howling wind outside. Lexa crawled to her side, arms wrapped around her waist, hand against her head pulling her into a loving embrace, stroking her hair, whispering "shh, shhhh" calming her and pulling her back from the edge of her self-hatred;

"The way the car landed crushed his pelvis, it pinned him in against the steering wheel and pinned me under him in the driver's seat, the wet ground cold against my back, the seatbelt wrapped around my neck pulled ever tighter and every-time I moved he screamed in agony.." she gasped air in deeply, "...every-time I tried to help him.. it..." her hand flew to her mouth and she sobbed through it, ".. it.. pushed the broken outer shell further up into his spine.. I was trying to stay alive and in the process I was killing him.."