#Just write it

I Can't Save Her From My Past Demons

You take a strut into that room like you own the place
But to be fair you do.
But other people live here too.
The ones that don't have a choice or a say.
You chose to have me I didn't choose to have you.
You walk to me and ask me a question in a tone that is to intense for the question its self
I reply with a little quiver in my voice
That little stutter in my speech is how you've won not my love but my fear
Is it better to be fear or to be loved
In your opinion I guess that's fear that takes the high ground
But let's break down fear
Fear is the shaking in your youngest child's hands after you screamed at her
Fear is the red around her eyes from you taking your anger from something else out on her.
Fear is the fact that she never wants to play cards again with you cause she doesn't want to get hurt
Fear is when your wife looks at me and says at least this time he didn't grab me.
Fear is your middle child crying at the top of the basement steps listening to you scream at her sister and it taking her back to her childhood when she was you target
You think the worst thing I could to you is put you in a shitty nursing home when your brain can't function anymore
But that's not it.
That's not the worst.
Because searching for a shitty ass nursing home would still implied I cared enough to waste time looking for a place for you too live
No, the worst thing I could do is nothing
Because that would imply I stopped caring.
How sad and insecure do you have to be to be 48 and scream at a 12 year old over a game of cards because you can't hold your shit together
How pathetic can you be to get a high off of that?
How self absorbed do you have to be to see her run to bathroom crying and still be upset by the card game?
I watch this and it feels like déjà vu
This is what gave me my demons.
What makes me hate my self is the fact that you are unable to show me love.
When I was a kid I made a pledge against smoking and a church oath that I wouldn't drink to the point of drunk
What's that phrase?
'You drove me to drink'?
Yeah that's accurate.
Smokin' at 15?
Put a big Check because that's off my list
Those blade less pencil sharpeners you found yeah that was me too.
The slits on my wrists are barely visible now.
I don't want them showing up on her skin
I don't want to see her cry the way I did.