I just woke up one day and decided I didn't want to feel like that anymore, or ever again. So I changed. Just like that. ~ Unkown Person
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I remember how it happened perfectly. It was the first few weeks of college. I was just getting used to campus life and making a few friends. My classes were going smoothly, just like they had in high school. I was having a reasonable amount of fun, just like I’d had in high school. I was shy and quiet and pretty and overlooked, just like in high school. I remember that none of this bothered me. In all actuality, I didn’t even notice. I was just going on about my business, my way. I mean, I attended a new school. I didn’t inherit a new personality just because I was seeking a higher education.
I remember what triggered everything perfectly too. My roommate, Alex, and I had gone to get dinner and a DJ trying to display his skills had set up in front of the cafeteria. The music was loud and everyone had crowded around to see what was going on. There were a few bold students dancing in the middle of the group of people. They looked like they were having so much fun. I remember standing behind the rail, away from the rest of the crowd because that is where I had naturally gravitated toward.
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“Are you coming Chris?”
I shook my head, “I don’t think so.”
“Why not?”
I shrugged and gave the same answer that had been coming out my mouth for years, “It’s not my thing.”
She looked at me weird, “Really?”
I shook my head, “No.”
“What is your thing Chris?”
I looked at her completely stunned. No one had ever questioned what I did. No one had ever looked me in the eye and questioned why I didn’t want to be center stage. Everyone else just accepted that it was just how things were. Christy Moore was never in the spotlight, but only Alex had ever questioned why. I thought seriously about it for about a minute before I shrugged again, “I don’t know, but this isn’t it.”
Alex looked at me like she was seeing into my soul, “Okay. Whatever.”
I looked away from her gaze. I didn’t have many secrets, but I didn’t want her analyzing and undressing my secrets in front of a crowd of people. I pushed away from the rail and walked past her, “I’ll see you back at the room.”
“Okay.” She said absentmindedly. I walked away and when I had gone far enough, where I knew she wasn’t watching me I turned back. She was in the middle of the group of people looking to be enjoying their lives. I looked at her and for a second I wanted to go back. I wanted to jump into the crowd and I wanted to be loud and dance. I could still feel the bass from where I was and an innate part of me wanted to stay and dance in front of all these people and not care what they thought. The feeling was so foreign to me that I crushed it.
I pushed it away from me and reminded myself that dancing in public wasn’t something that I did. It wasn’t my nature. I walked back to the room and when I got there, I was angry. I was angry with myself but I couldn’t figure out why. I went inside the room, but I stopped at the mirror. I looked at myself. I had on jeans, converses and a graphic tee. My hair was covered and I looked like common wallflower. I didn’t like that.
Mirrors have a certain way of revealing even the things that other people don’t see. I saw more than my outward appearance; I saw myself. I saw the real me. I saw the boring me.
Nothing about me screamed spectacular or special. My eyes were boring brown; my hair was basic black; my clothes were common clearance. My smile was pretty, and I clear caramel skin, but that was it. Nothing was special about me. Even my personality was basic. I wasn’t “too” anything. I wasn’t “too” smart or “too” funny or “too” sexy. I was just “blah”.
