Help Me Close My Eyes

6 ~ stars falling down.

"I think that the clouds like the laughter
Around us. Wanting to feel the warmth
That's softly sinking down.
Til they cover the streets, just like a dreamland,
And right above us,
They part so that I see through,
Stars falling down."
- Kina Grannis

***

The next morning, I open my eyes in an unfamiliar place and resign myself to the fact that everything that happened yesterday must have been real, and not some kind of horrible trip.

Liam, this place, the danger I'm in.. All of it.

I sigh heavily and drape my arm over my eyes, not quite ready to face reality. I mean, who would be? This is insanity.

So the dreams are stronger when we're together than when we're apart.

What does that mean? Why are we connected like this? Why does it feel so familiar when I'm around him...

I've been burned pretty badly in the past...in relationships, in friendships, even by my own family.

After a while, you start to do whatever you can to keep yourself cynical. You do everything to try and kill that part of you that believes in everyone's pretty words.

Because even if they think they mean what they say, they never do. They always change their minds. Then you're left alone trying to hold yourself together because, well, who else is going to do it?

So you try to stop caring, you try to stay cynical, you try to kill your feelings. But then someone screws you over yet again, and you're left wondering why, if you truly killed your heart, is your world still suddenly a little grayer each time someone leaves..

See, I know all of this. I know that people lie and that friends screw you over and that lovers say things in the heat of the moment that they don't really mean.

I know that better than I'd like to.

So then why does every fiber of my being want to believe Liam's words? Why does my heart cry out to me to trust him, no matter what? What is it about him that makes me want to throw my experience, my pain, and my common sense straight into the trash when I barely even know him?

I will myself to get out of bed and change back into my clothes from last night.

If I'm going to be here for much longer, I'm definitely going to need more clothes.

I head downstairs and follow the sound of voices to the kitchen.

The boys from last night, Fletcher and Weston, are sitting on stools at the island across from Liam.

As soon as I enter, the sound of my footsteps causes Liam to look up and meet my eyes.

I stare back for a brief moment before tearing my eyes away as images of last night flood my mind.

Liam's hand gently coming to rest on mine. My head finding its way to his shoulder as I steadied my breathing.

Amazing isn't it? How things always seem so much easier in the dark - so much less.

The things we know we shouldn't do, the things we know we'll regret, always somehow seem less daunting under the cover of nightfall than in broad daylight.

It's like from the moment we're born, without ever being told, we're hardwired to hide the parts of ourselves we don't like, the parts of ourselves that only come out to play when we think no one will see.

But now, in the harsh reality of the morning light, I regret how much comfort I allowed him to provide me with.

I regret how much I let myself, in such an emotional moment, to be helped, to be seen.

That's the quickest way to forming an emotional connection, the quickest way to getting hurt.

Honestly, more than anything, it set me on edge how familiar everything felt, like we'd performed these actions countless times before.

And maybe we have.

"Morning," Fletcher says tipping his mug at me. "Sleep well?" he asks.

"Fine, thanks," I reply softly, barely even able to make the words leave my mouth. This place still feels so foreign and strange, it's hard to feel comfortable enough to relax and be myself.

Swallowing my pride, I walk around the kitchen island and make my way towards the only available seat next to Liam.

As soon as I pull the chair out though, he swiftly gets up and leaves the kitchen without a word.

I sigh, roll my eyes, and sit down anyway, grabbing an apple from the bowl of fruit on the counter in front of me.

"We heard what happened last night," Weston says, breaking the silence that had fallen over us after Liam's departure.

I raise my eyebrows in surprise. "He told you?"

"No, he didn't have to. We heard," he reiterates, tapping his ear with his index finger.

"Oh," I reply, a little embarrassed.

"Don't be too hard on yourself, Love. We're used to hearing Liam shout like that at night so most of the time we just sleep through it. But last night was different," Fletcher says. "I'm sorry about whatever happened to you in there, the way he's worked up, it must've been awful."

"What makes you think something happened to me?" I ask, trying not to sound as interested as I am.

"I imagine that's why he's being so unpleasant this morning. He's always worse whenever something's happened to you," he finishes, taking a sip of his tea.

"Hey," Liam's voice says harshly from the doorway, interrupting the conversation. He looks from Weston to Fletcher, his expression stony.

From the look on his face, I can tell that he heard what they said, and he's not happy they've revealed something like that to me. I suppose he values his privacy about this kind of thing just as much as I do, maybe more.

After a couple moments of cold silence, his gaze falls back to me.

"Ira, come with me," he says, nodding his head back over his shoulder. "There's something I need to show you."

He doesn't even wait for my reply before turning on his heels and walking away.

Looking back and forth between Weston and Fletcher, I swallow the lump in my throat and stand on shaky legs to follow him.

**************

a/n - fun fact: i wrote the majority of this chapter like 6 months ago and forgot to finish and post it until now.