Dying inside!

Chapter 1

As I sit on my bed, I watch as the bright red drops, slowly roll down my arm and fall to the floor. I still have the knife in my hand and I feel numb. The room around me starts to blur. Shit. I can hear something. I think someone's coming. Darkness surrounds me!!
                           
                             ***

It's December so it's icy outside. As I walk to school I see my warm breath in front of me as I talk with my twin sister, Nikita. As we walk through the big doorway, the school's heat hits us. I see Bella and Kate over in our usual meeting spot. Bella is practically my best friend. She has been since she joined back in October. Kate is definitely Nikita's best friend. They have been since year 8. As we all go up to registration I don't really concentrate on what Bella is saying. I just had a weird feeling that I've never felt before. I don't know what it is but I wipe it from my mind. Bella and Kate are in a different learning mentor to me and Nikita.
"See ya in a bit"
"Yeh see ya Bella"
Health and social care is my first class and Bella, Kate and Nikita are all in my class. I sit with Bella and Nikita sits with Kate. The tables are put out so it's two to a table.
As I watch Bella trying to make sense of the work, I get that weird butterfly feeling again. Ugh. Why does this keep happening? I try to shake the feeling off. Bella looks up at me. "You ok?"
"Yeah fine" I lie.
" well why were you staring at me?"
"I was just daydreaming that's all"
"Hazel you've been quiet all morning. Tell me what's wrong"
What do I say now? "Nothing. Don't worry. I'm absolutely fine."
"Okay. Whatever" Bella says with a little chuckle. I quickly look down at my work and complete it in silence.

The lesson feels like it goes on forever but eventually the bell goes for break time. The whole class stands up and rushes at the door. Me, Bella, Kate and Nikita all walk out together. We walk towards the cafeteria when kate comes out with a random statement. "I wonder what it's like to be a lesbian" We all just look at her. What the hell? She's always so homophobic and now she wants to be a lesbian. "Come on guys it will be fun." Again we all just look at her like she's crazy. "What!?" We all say in unison. Kate just smiles at us but looks embarrassed by what she has just announced quite loudly in a busy corridor.
"Whatever Kate." I laugh as I shake my head. The others laugh with me and I can see Kate is a little bit hurt by our reaction but she laughs it off with us.
The rest of the day is a blur as I can't stop thinking about what Kate said. Her words just play on my mind over and over like a broken record. I'm confused and I just want to forget it. Maybe she was just trying to have a joke with us but whatever Kate is up to, I'm not sure i like it. Only a few days ago my cousin told me he was gay and had a boyfriend. This I have told Bella and Kate but now Kate, the most homophobic person I know, wants to experiment with being a lesbian. I don't have a problem with homosexuals but I just have this feeling I can't explain and it's messing with me. I can't concentrate in any of my lessons and I hardly hear what people are saying to me.
Somehow I mange to get through the day without letting these crazy thoughts interupt too much of my learning.
As I watch the seconds tick by on the clock, the bell goes and there's a stampede of people trying to be the first to get out of the classroom. I walk towards the exit and wait in the atrium for kate, Bella and Nikita. We walk out of school together and part our sepreate ways but not before Kate has to say "Nikita think about the lesbian thing. I'll text you tonight" Me and Bella just roll our eyes and share a small smile.
I get home and go straight to my room. I have homework to do but I don't care. I need to figure out what's going on with my feelings for Bella. I think for a long time. I start remembering that in year 7 I started getting feelings for a girl but I juse ignored it and then a few weeks later I realised I no longer felt the same way about that girl. Maybe I could do the same with Bella. I just need to ignore this funny feeling I have for her. She's just a close friend, right? But....Oh god. Just thinking about her. Her beautiful face, her slightly darkened skin, her catchy laugh, the way her eyes twinkle when she's happy, the way she silently cries when someone's hurt her. Everything about her is perfect. I think I'm falling in love with her. This can't happen. Fuck! What am i thinking?