To My Ex

An Open Letter to My Ex

Dear ex,

It's Monday night and all that fills my mind are thoughts of you. I don't know why but I can't seem to get them out of my head. All the memories we made; all the late night kisses, all the weird dances that you would do for me, and all the stupid little things that I loved about you are scorched into my brain. Remembering them shouldn't make me smile but they do.

I'm not writing this so you feel better or worse for dumping me. I am writing this because I need to get it all out. I need to say all of the things that I never had the courage to say when it was me and you. So I can finally move on, so that I can finally make peace with what happened to us.

The thing that I liked most about you was how your eyes lit up when you talked about something you were passionate about. Like, when you explained a video game to me, but quite honestly, I was not listening to you. I was thinking about how beautiful your eyes were, how much I loved your lips, and how much I really wanted to kiss them. And the way you talked about our future, made me smile. I knew it was never going to happened but knowing that you saw me with you in the future, made me believe in a happily ever after.

I wanted it, I wanted us. I wanted to grow old with you, to fight about which game console is better, to have cupcake fights with each other. But, I guess I wanted it so badly that I ignored all the hints of you pulling away.

As much as it hurt when you dumped me, it hurt more when I realized you weren't as in "love" with me as you said you were. When we were dating, I kept making excuses for you. I would say that you were exhausted from work and school or that you need some alone time, but that was not the case at all. It wasn't that you physically or mentally couldn't spend time with me; It was that you wouldn't.

Wanting you did come with a high price and that price was denial. I should have seen it. I should have known. To you, I wasn't anything but someone to kill time with. You might not have consciously known that that's all I was to you and I'm not blaming you.

It was fun. I experienced new things and we learned new things about each other. I learned that you would rather memorize a giant book of Pokémon than to read an actual book and that you're a big mama's boy. Which is still pretty funny and cute to think about you like that. So, if I had a chance to redo everything, I wouldn't.

But, for me to finish with us and finally get past the thoughts of what we use to be, I can't be friends with you. It's not because of how we ended, but about the memories that will be brought up every time I see you. How can we be friends, when every time I see you I think about how you use to look at me? Every time I hear you laugh, I'm going to think about the stupid stuff we did together.

I know you'll never read this so you might have been confused about how I acted around you. But, on the off chance you do find this and you read it all, I wanted to say goodbye to you one last time. You meant the world to me and its hard to let that go but it's for the best. So, goodbye.

-Cat