i've never had much of a home, i had the mentality that where you lay your head at night is where your home was and ive always been kinda just there. i don't feel safe in my own skin because i am too cold and cold hearted and i hate the slippery walls i built around me. i push people away, that's what i do. i can't trust myself alone because, I am a compulsive candle lighter but I blow them out before they reach the bottom see, i think the problem is that I give up on things before they give up on me because i have been given up on so many times that I'm tired of trying. i hate myself, i hate my body, and i hate my mind even more. i hate how self destructive i can be and how i enjoy doing those things to myself. i like the forbidden, the dark corners, and the people I'm not supposed to be with. doing things that i know im not supposed to be doing because it gives me a rush, the same reason people go on roller coasters or speed or shoplift. it's the adrenaline. and i myself am an adrenaline junkie. i like doing things that risk my safety and well being. i see them as a challenge and honestly i don't care. i stopped wearing a seatbelt because if i was in a car accident i would want to be the most hurt so that i didn't have to see the people i care about hurt. i was taught to care about the people i lived with and those were my parents but it's really hard to continue doing that when they have stopped trying to care for me. especially with my dad, i hate the way his being affects me. i hate the way that everytime anyone takes off their belt i tremble, i hate the way i get scared when someone lifts their hand. because I know what's going to happen, or at least i think I do. when someone hurts me physically it shows me what's going on in their head and it reminds me of how flawed and ugly i am on the inside. but i see the beauty in everything and everyone else.
