The Reality of Now

Twelve

"Dad, I'm pretty sure there is a limit to the amount of pens appropriate to bring to university. We surpassed that ten pens ago."

Lowering his newest handful of pens, Dad laughed a little. He smiled sadly at me from the doorway of my room. "You're right. I just want you to have everything you need, sweetheart."

I folded some more winter clothes and put them into a box. "What I don't need, Dad, is more pens."

We both let our gazes wander to the overflowing pencil case on my desk. There were so many kinds of pens: black, blue, red, sparkle, gel, fibre tip, roller ball, fountain- it was endless.

I folded a few more sweaters, but he didn't say anything. "Thanks anyway," I murmured.

"Saya?" he said. I felt my body go rigid at his tone, like a child getting caught with their hand in the cookie jar. Had I done something wrong?

Cautiously, I turned my head over my shoulder. "Yeah?"

Dad took a few steps into my room and sat down on the floor, grunting as he did so. He always complained that his knees weren't what they used to be. "Saya," he said again, "I'd like to get your input on something."

I tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. "What is it? Is everything okay?"

Waving his hand carelessly, Dad chuckled. "You're such a worrier. No, sweetheart, the thing is just that I... sort of have a date." He searched my eyes for a reaction, which must have been startled because he hurried into an explanation. "It's with Miranda from work. You've met her. I know it's fast, but it all sort of just happened. I can call it all off if you want."

I was quiet for a moment. He was going on a date already? I thought about how unhappy he was the last few months before the divorce, and the way his eyes lit up just now when he said Miranda's name. I had met her before: she was a very nice woman who always seemed to speak from the heart. She called me beautiful every time I saw her, and I remembering wishing every once in a while that my own mom was more like her. I smiled. "I'm really happy for you, Dad," I told him honestly, though it did take a lot to get out the words. "If you want to do this, I think you should."

My dad's eyebrows shot up. "Really? Are you sure?"

I grabbed his hand, feeling his rough and calloused skin against mine. "I'm positive. I just want you to be happy."

Dad gently touched my chin like he did when I was little, guiding my eyes to meet his. I felt so young again. "And that's all I want for you. Well, that and everything in the world."

In unison, we both looked over at all of the pens, and started laughing.

When I returned to packing boxes a few minutes later, I couldn't help but think about how quickly time was passing. All of my new friends and I were going to different schools. Jules was going to live just two hours away from me, but Isir would be in another country. Though I would be able to see Jules more often, the thought of not seeing everyone else physically hurt. It felt as if my heart was in a compactor; slowly crushing me until nothing was left.

All my friends had made the first half of my summer just as amazing as Jules had. They all meant so much to me as well. I sighed as I folded a pair of dark blue jeans. I had never been away from home like this- not on my own.

Everything I feared while getting to know the Amberleys, Cash, Daniel, Isir, Jack, and even now Rose was coming to pass. I would have to rip myself away from them in order to keep my life moving forwards. Of course, when the time came, they would all have to do the same for themselves.

_______

"Irises."

"Tulips." Ruby crossed her arms, as if that could clarify that tulips were indeed better than irises- which they weren't.