the daydreams of a 14 year old girl...

Chapter 5...

I think it's too late now. Can't go back, I'm trapped - until I either get what I want (him), or get hurt. It's actually great, liking Charlie. It's almost like it's not quite as real, because I can talk about him without people in my year really knowing who it is if I just say Charlie. And when I see him walking round school and I make long eye contact with him, or lily says hi to him or whatever, worst case scenario if he got on to it and said something, I could just get on with it and no one would really know because he's a year younger. But it's been great, this week, because I've seen him quite a lot and I have friends on my football team who are in his year, and they say that he's said things about me etc. 

It's really, really, nice actually - until I wake up and realise he's in the year below, and there are so many reasons why this is all pointless. And it's strange because, I don't know if I'd be willing to suffer the consequences if anything ever did happen with Charlie, so I don't know what exactly I am hoping to get out of this, like say one day we started talking and he told me he liked me, what would I do? I don't think I've thought this through properly because I know that nothing could happen - not now anyway - so why do I bother? The only way we'd be able to see each other seriously is if we were both in sixth form, by which time I'd be 17 and he'd be 16. That's two years from now. I'm falling for Charlie,  and for what? A two year wait? And that's not even certain, what if he doesn't go to our Sixth Form, or maybe he'd have a girlfriend, and who says he'd like me anyway?

But, with all that being said, I can't help it. I like him. And maybe it's time I started admitting that to myself.  

However for now, I want to forget about all that and just daydream. Daydream because it's my escape, and I know it'll make me feel better...even if on a long term basis I may regret letting myself think about him more and more, until I can't find a minute alone because he's always in my head. He really is all that I think about, and yes, I do wish that I didn't, but at the same time I really do love it. And before you get any ideas, no, I don't love him, I just love daydreaming about him. I love daydreaming about anyone as long as it's good though. Ugh.

Maybe the age gap isn't such a bad thing. Bella was older than Edward in twilight and look at them! Sure, their relationship wasn't exactly smooth sailing but, they got there in the end and their's was a great romance. But then again, Bella was 18 and Edward was 17... and they were, y'know, Vampires. And it's fictional too. So maybe I'm just looking for anything to convince myself that it's fine.

On Monday Erin said that she think's Charlie's cute too, which I already knew (we all do anyway), but then she started talking about him more and more and I asked her if she liked him she said no he was just 'nice to look at', but I don't think she understands the situation. She doesn't realise that for me it's actually real, and I really do like him so her liking him too is just as bad as coming on to the person your best friend fancies. If it was someone in our year or whatever, she wouldn't even consider it, but because he's younger she somehow thinks it's different conditions? Well it's not. This is serious now.