I sat there, in isolation, staring at the lightless pit that I drove myself into which was my subconscious. I didn't know how to deal with pain that I place upon myself. Self inflicted pain. What did I do to deserve this? Why is it that I care so much about other people that they don't realize that I get hurt...I get crushed...I get turned the blind eye, every second of every minute of every day. I must be crazy. I stare at the blank white canvas that has been sitting in front of me, in the corner of my room for the last two hours.
Ever since Saturday night, I couldn't get the picture out of my mind. The way he sunk deep into her like Niagara Falls and devoured her as if she was some delicacy. The pain shot through my chest like tons of bullets headed straight to my heart. I hadn't taken my pills ever since and it's starting to take a toll on my psychological well being.
This project needed inspiration and creativity to complete. I walked to my drawer and drew a razor. I hadn't done this in months, and it's stupid because I gave up on something that kept me sane. Cutting was the only way I could function...from the peripheral ones to the emotional cuts. I didn't need help cause I found a sense of release from it. I didn't tell them cause they didn't need to know. They were happy, they had love.
Closing my eyes, the thought of pain ending crossed my mind. I slid the razor softly across my wrist and drew blood. Cut by cut. Running heavy down my arm, dripping one by one, down my fingertips, onto the blank canvas where it dispersed, resembling my shattered heart.
I drew him, exactly where he was positioned. In between her legs. I remember every detail. From the way she arched her back to the way he caressed her breasts. I blinked a few times, trying not to let these tears cascade down my cheeks as the thought of her taste still lingering on his tongue. Heart throbbing, mind racing..breath panting. She screamed your name the same way I screamed for you to help me. To help me get out of my own self pity. Your lips on hers were full, like they bled scarlet delight. Brown eyes met brown, but you were hers, not mine. You grind on her roughly, as if to say "your mine" as I sit here, bleeding for you, as my sorrow is washed away by my cries. This might sound morbid, but I wish you would kiss my scars, the way the razor did.
I stop the bleeding by stitching the cut back together. I turn back to look at my masterpiece and feel a sense of pride for completing it. He wasn't mine, so why should I complicate things ? I'm meant to be alone and forever alone... why should I destroy someone else's relationship for my own se-
"Baby, grind on me, relax your mind, take your time on me."
My train of thought is cut off by my phone ringing. It was Nommie. Shit..okay...just breathe. I try to calm myself and answer the call.
"Morning", I croak, still sounding as if I'm crying.
"Hey..are you okay? You sound upset", she says.
"No, I'm fine. Just come down with a bad cold, that's all", I lie.
"Oh, okay, we haven't spoken in so long, since Saturday. Are you sure you're okay ?", she asks one more time.
I contemplate on telling her the truth but I just don't want to jeopardize another friendship of mine. I decide on telling her that I drank too much fruit punch and felt a bit tipsy.
"Sure, so are-" she gets cut off by someone telling her to hand over the phone.
"Listen here b*tch," oh it's Kamira.
"I know you're lying about being okay. You think we would believe such sh*t. We're not stupid and we're not dumb", she shouts.
"Ya, tell her!", Wtf ? . What are Sassie, Jane and Lana doing there ?
"Stop being a hoe and tell us what's wrong. You can trust us", Taoni and Aamenah say. What is this, an intervention ?
"Guys, just chill. It's just the flu and I'll see you later, okay ?" I explain.
"So, how's Ethan ?", I ask , carefully watching what I say.
She explains how after the party, she left with him and couldn't walk in the morning. And how he made love to her in sweetest way, but never forgot his kinky side. Especially when it came to the canes and whips. I tried not to break as she continued but some part of me was shattered. I mean, I'm such a bad friend for thinking that I could ever take him from her.
We end the chat and I get ready to meet up with them, getting a band aid from my drawer. I place the razor carefully under my blue and green socks. I cover my arms with a black, long sleeve top and pair it up with ripped jeans. Just as I'm about to apply lipgloss on, my phone rings. I immediately pick it up without looking at the contact, assuming it's them again.
"What ?, I told you guys I'm coming"
"You thought you could just avoid me and everything would be okay ?".
Oh shit.
