My Only 'One'

Chapter 33-Fake smiles

Life is going on a monotone. After that I stayed by Gabbs almost 24/7. She woke up a little later and had full on blow lecture. That damn girl doesn't even understand it even now, all she feels sad is that she wanted to tell it to me first that she was pregnant and cried because it got revealed by the doctors. Is it the so called hormones acting during pregnancy like I read in books or is that girl trying to trick me? Either way I am weak against her tears and so my mouth got shut. Stupid right? I know. It is like I am the one who is spoiling her.

Coming to Erik I am nothing more than glaring hard at him. I am so angry at him and it won't disappear for quite some years. He lost my trust by behaving inappropriately. I will die before forgiving him, may be a little exaggeration but being friendly with him like before is not going to happen any time soon. 

Considering both our situation I should say I am the dad who is against his daughter dating a guy, in this case Erik, because he is not good for his daughter. I seriously want to separate these two but then again I don't want to. Love is such a complicated thing! Sigh! I can understand it the most because I have a very complicated love  story. I know that he is going to hate sometime from now but I still want him. I still want to love him. I yearn for him.

Before I didn't understand why the girls in the books I read fell for such guys, even though they are players or jerks or were rude, but now I can understand it all too clearly. We can't help whom fall in love with. We want to run away from all the pain it causes but it seems impossible sometimes. Wanting what you can't get get. But then again we are mates so we are meant for each other right? In the books I read some people find a new love and some end painfully leaving me wondering about their painful love. If Blake starts to hate me will I be able to find a new love or will I be like the second lead who suffers painfully. 

Love is indeed blind. It is like a rose, a beautiful red rose attracting us with all its charm and glory but when we approach it it hurts because of the thorns around it. Will I be able to stand all this?  But I decided one thing whatever it is I don't want to regret it. I want to try the best on my part so that in the future I won't feel like I haven't tried enough. I don't want this to become a story that ended because I hadn't tried enough on my part. I don't think my pride is really worth it when it comes to happiness but just to let to know you I am not going to cling and beg, if he thinks he is better without me, I would have to l-l-lea-ve him. Even thinking about such a thing is extremely painful to my heart.

I never apologized for pushing him that day and I am not going to in the future too. If you want you can think of me as bitchy and stubborn but I don't care. What he did was wrong but I don't intend to be a bitch about it to Blake, except for Erik that is. I am going to be his worst nightmare he ever faced.

But ever since that incident though I am normal with him, he is a bit far away. I think he is troubled with something and the distance between us is decreasing and it is really a torture how to divide the time between those two. Stay beside Gabbs and take care of her 24/7 or put aside some time to have time with Blake, but to do I feel very guilty since I have neglected her she is this way so how could I just look for my happiness? But I really want to. Am I really that selfish? Whenever she sleeps at night I go back to my room and sleep but for a long time, until I can sleep I stare at him,trying to take in every inch of him into my heart.

Gabbs fell asleep and I sneaked off to my room and found that Blake wasn't there. I sat on the bed waiting for him. I feel very sleepy. It's been a long time since I slept fully. In the morning, I look after Gabbs, train vigorously with and without swords trying to build up my strength and stamina and at nights watching Blake as long as it is possible to resist sleep. I want to have him more. I hope he would come soon. I haven't seen him all day today and it aches me but I can't do anything. Should I search for him? The door creaked lightly making me know that someone is entering the room. Blake entered looking a little more frustrated than he usually is.