Found

Goodbye

Dear Diary,

      8 days had passed since I had said my goodbye to Damon. It was Friday and ever since that day he hasn't come to school. I had no LAB partner anymore and didn't have him by my side when I needed him. Bonnie and Caroline tried to help by trying to get my mind off of him but it only made it worse. I only thought of him a lot more as days passed and i looked back at all the things that we use to do together. Im miserable for sure, does it suck? Yes. Am I broken? Yes. Is it for the best? Yes. Will I survive? I don't know. But he's going to Harvard, he deserves everything that he receives. All of the opportunities he gets he deserves. I'm so happy for him but my own selfish feelings are conquering his mind and mine. I'm planning on forgetting him the minute he leaves. It's the only way I will get through a day without sobbing until my eyes are swollen and my heart feels like it's about to betray me. I never expected him to leave, that's what I think hit me the hardest. I never expected him turn up with this news out of the blue. I was so caught up in living my fairytale teenage life, I forgot to support Damon in his. That's why I'm making up for it now. I'm going to be there for him and say goodbye. I'm so happy for him but at the same time I don't want him to leave me. I'm disgusted at myself for not wanting him to go. How selfish is that? I don't know how to make my heart think differently, my mind is addicted to Damon's presence. I need to get rid of that. Get my mind off of things, step one: Forget.

I stopped writing at the instance. I didn't have anything else to say. I had some sort of messed up plan on forgetting him. I don't know if it will work but might as well give it a shot. 

I grabbed my jacket and put my diary behind my photo frame and headed down the stairs. Damon must be leaving soon, or worse he might have already left to the airport. I didn't want to think of the negatives. Think positive Elena. I texted Jenna telling her where I was heading so she wouldn't go crazy and run around looking for me. Why can't I forget about him? He keeps circling my mind again and again. I have to do something to get those... Baby blue eyes.... Silky hair.... Chiseled body... shoot i'm thinking about him! I looked around to my sides trying to think of things to get him out of my head. When was that building built? I don't like that color. That restuarant needs new tables. I hate how the grill is a bar and a restuarant, it doesn't make sense to me. The town square is really crowded.

Before I knew it I was standing in front of the towering door of the Salvatore mansion hesitating to knock. What if i'm not welcome any longer? What if he doesn't want to see my face again after what I said to him? Was that our final goodbye? I hope not. I brought my knuckles up to the door and rapped it silently and gently. 

"Come on Damon, please be home."

No answer came. I blew it, there goes my chances of ever making up for what I did. He will always remember us as that moment I had with him. I turned to leave when I heard the door swing open. I turned around quickly hoping it was the person I wanted to see. I let out a sigh of happiness as I saw him and had to fling myself at him. Wrapping my arms around his neck and holding him tightly. My heart skipped when I felt his strong muscular arms press against my face holding me. I snuggled my head into his neck happy that he held her after what she had said.

"Elena", Damon cupped my face in his hands and looked into my eyes. Those deep blue eyes. I was speechless as my heart softened as I heard him say my name in his calm whisper and simply nodded not able to find words.

"What made you come here?"

I had to answer, "I couldn't not say goodbye to you. Youre leaving today."

"I am.", his voice became filled with sorrow and pain as he spoke, "I thought you hated me after what happened at your house, so that's why I didn't call to tell you when I was leaving. I took that moment as our departure."

God. He's romantic. "No. That couldn't possibly have been a goodbye, I was so harsh and rude and cruel to you. It wasn't fair. I'm sorry that I let you alone with all those selfish things I said. I said them out of spite because I couldn't bear to see you leave. I will miss you so much, you're my best friend and have always been there for me to cheer me up when i'm down. Always there to make me laugh when i'm upset, make me happy again somehow when i'm mad at you. Almost every girl wants to go out with you at school and I'm not sure why you don't go out with one already, but choose to spend so much time with me. I'm so lucky to of had you in my life Damon. You won't understand how much space you take up in my heart. It's unbelievable but i'm okay with it, surprisingly.", what am I doing? I'm supposed to be letting go of him. Why am I telling him this? Why can't I bring myself to do the right thing? I have to. But I can't. He's smiling widely. 

"Lena.. You mean everything to me, and hanging out with you is all I want. I don't want to hang out with some other girls in our school. Do they ask me out? Yes. But I just want the only girl in my life to be you. It dropped a bomb on me when I found the mail. I wasn't sure how I was gonna tell you. It broke my heart knowing they wanted me to come in so suddenly. I dont wanna leave you", he whispers so softly that it tears my heart knowing he is so close yet gonna be so far away in a few hours.

His lips. There are just there, pink and in perfect shape just waiting for something to come in and rub against them. This urge comes over me to lean closer but I fight it. What the hell am I doing. I look up from his lips to his eyes.

"You have to do this, your life depends on it. I'm so proud of you. I hope you have an amazing time babe because I mean it", I gave him a smile because I did mean it.

He smiled and hugged me again but I knew he wasn't happy with what I said. He was trying to grasp at any open holes in me to make an excuse to stay. I'm not letting him do that. His career was set and i'm not gonna blockade his way to his future.

We arrived at the airport. Damon took as much time as possible trying to stay with me with these last few moments, I could tell because I did the same. We ate together, we checked in his bags. He was gonna have to pass through security to go to his gate. I won't be able to see him after this. I looked at him giving him a quick smile.

"Guess this is it then"

He takes a deep breath and nods, "I guess so."

I looked at his face one last time as tears came rushing to the surface. I couldn't fight them this time. He's leaving. This is the final goodbye. I won't wake up every morning to Damon's texts or his calls in the morning telling me to wake up or cracking some kind of corny joke. I won't be able to walk to biology knowing he's the only bright side in taking the whole class. I won't be able to walk with him after math and hang out with him at his house or mine. I can wrap my arms around him anymore. I can't call him gorgeous or compliment him everyday because he won't be in my presence. I won't be able to look into his eyes and fall for him all over again. I can't hold his hand knowing that he supports me through everything and stands by me when I need him the most. I can't share my secrets with him and will have to lock up my feelings inside a deep chamber in a dark corner of my heart. I'M LOSING HIM. I threw myself at him sobbing not taking it any longer.

"Oh Damon, you don't realize how much I will miss you! I won't be able to live without you!", my tears wet his shoulder as I could feel my eyes grow puffy.

"Shhh..", Damon rested his head in the crook of my shoulder and held me close for what only felt like a few seconds but was several minutes. He kissed my hand and turned around taking his bags to the boarding pass agent and walked through looking back at me.

I waved to him still sobbing. I never got to tell him what I truly felt inside and what I have for years now. I ran my hand across my shoudler feeling my wet shirt. He was crying. I sniffled and quickly looked up towards where he was standing, but now was no where in sight. I confessed in a low whisper, "I love you Damon Salvatore."