I've Told You a Million Times

Chapter 5

The conversation with Tonks had left Remus shaken, he hadn't known what to say, he couldn't bring himself to look into her eyes, he found himself just staring at her creepily. He apologized to her, saying he was tired. When he left her standing in the living room he made his way upstairs into his room and lied down on his bed, letting out a sigh. Before long, his eyelids became heavy and he drifted off to sleep.

"Remus! Remus, come here!" a voice called out. Remus turned in the direction of the voice and saw a man towering over him, with his arms stretched out, he ran into the big arms, it seemed like slow motion. He was squeezed tightly, small in the man's arms. Remus knew where he was, he was reliving the last normal day of his life.

Remus was almost five years old, in his nearly five-year-old body.

He looked up, it was dark outside despite it being two o'clock in the afternoon. Heavy rain clouds blocked out the sun. and before he knew it he was being lifted off the ground and into the man's arms, he smiled and looked at the man. "Father," he heard his little voice say, squealing with delight. His father smiled down on him and lifted him over his head, and spun him around, before resting Remus on his hip.

"I think it's time to go inside," his father announced, "It's about to rain and I don't think you want to get wet," his father said, tickling Remus' stomach. Remus heard his younger self laugh as he clung to his father's shirt.

The house that Remus grew up in was a decent size, it had a living room, kitchen, three bathrooms, and three bedrooms. Remus remembered his childhood home clear as a bell. 

His father, Lyall set him down in the living room to play with his toys, before going in the kitchen to make lunch. 

The image faded away, replaced by another. This time, Remus was a spectator, watching his four year old self asleep in his room. It was the dead of night and rain was tapping against the window, lightning blinked across the sky, illuminating his young face as he slept in his bed. Remus found himself aching for a time when he was unworthy. When he wasn't unclean. When he wasn't dangerous. When he still had hope.

A figure appeared in his bedroom window, the long snout, angular head, and beady eyes were unmistakable. A werewolf he knew. Fenrir Greyback to be exact. 

Remus watched helplessly as the werewolf tore open his window and vaulted into his room. His four-year-old self sat bolt upright in bed and screamed at the werewolf. The werewolf pounced on his four-year old self, scratching him, mailing him, opening long, deep cuts all over his body, mutilating his tender-soft skin. All Remus could do was watch helplessly. 

And then he was his four-year old self again. He was no longer observing the scene, he was experiencing it. He felt the pain of the werewolf's claws dig into him all over again as if it had happened yesterday. 

Remus writhed and squirmed in his bed--in attempt to throw off his attacker--smearing his blood everywhere. He saw the werewolf's long teeth above him, and a moment later, he felt the werewolf's teeth sink into his shoulder.

Remus screamed in pain. 

He could almost feel the disease spreading it's way through his veins. The door burst open as his father burst in, his wand drawn......

Remus woke with a start, he was smothered in sweat, and breathing hard. His bed was a mess, the blankets were on the floor and his bed was soaked with his sweat. He looked out his window, it was dark outside and so much like the night he was bitten. Remus took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. It worked, but only a little. He rose from his bed, limped over to the door, and made his way downstairs. 

In the kitchen the clock said that it was just past one in the morning. He had only been asleep for a few hours, yet it felt as if he had slept for days. 

On the table there was a bowl of apples. Remus helped himself to one. He bit into it. The apple juices filled his mouth, it was tart, yet sweet at the same time, and full of flavor too. Tonight, he was wearing a light cardigan with a simple brown shirt underneath, with comfy trousers. 

Remus took his apple and walked outside to look up at the stars. It was the end of June and the night was warm with a gentle breeze that caressed Remus' face. He inhaled deeply, breathing in the warm night air, it relaxed his muscles, and for the first time in a while he felt carefree.

He finished his apple and walked back inside to find the living room light on. Curious, he walked into the living room to find Sirius sitting by the window.

"You're up late, Sirius," he said from the doorway facing the living room.

Sirius looked over at him, a playful smiling gracing his face, "I could say the same about you, Remus," he responded.

"I couldn't sleep," Remus said, grinning over at his lifelong friend as he took a seat beside him.

Sirius looked at him, his face calm but Remus could see the strain behind his smile. He didn't question it.

The two of them sat there all night, talking of old times. After what seemed like an hour--but was actually six-- the sun began to rise. Remus was very tired and Sirius seemed to notice, "You should get some sleep, Remus," Sirius said, rising from his chair. "Go on, get some sleep, I'll wake you when the others come for the Order meeting." 

Remus didn't have the heart to protest so, he just nodded before making his way up the stairs of Number 12 Grimmauld Place. He collapsed onto his bed, almost immediately he drifted off into a dreamless sleep.

Remus opened his eyes, the sun's rays streamed through his bedroom window, shining on his face. He groaned, rubbed the sleep from his eyes and rose once again from his bed, and made his way down the stairs. Raised voices came from the kitchen, they got louder as Remus approached. Everyone seemed to be talking at once. 

They were discussing recruiting strategies, people were yelling at each other. Remus pushed the kitchen door open, and everyone went silent at his arrival. He looked around at the members of the Order, everyone was present except for Severus. 

Remus made eye contact with Tonks but quickly looked away, instead looking at Sirius,  giving his friend a grin. If Sirius felt guilty for not waking Remus, he did not show it. "Good morning, everyone," he greeted, looking around at all of the faces at the table. Tonks, Arthur and Molly, Mad-Eye, and Sirius.

A chorus of voices echoed his greeting as Remus took his seat between Tonks and Sirius. He purposefully avoided eye contact with Tonks, he felt uncomfortable around her now. It's not that he wasn't grateful for what she did for him in the alleyway, he was. It was the fact that she saw him in the state that he was in, that made him uncomfortable. No one had ever seen him in that state, save for Sirius and James. He was embarrassed, ashamed, and hated himself more than he ever did before.

 "Well, you didn't miss much, Remus," Sirius began, looking at Remus. "It's more or less the same," he explained.

BANG!! The door flew open down the hall and raised voices filled the small space. "Fred!" someone yelled, "give it back!" Two voices broke out into laughter. Molly began to rise from her chair, annoyance already starting to appear on her face, when four faces appeared in the kitchen doorway. Fred, George, Ron and Hermione filled the doorway, they were all beaming from ear to ear. It lifted Remus' heart and for a moment he felt a weight leave his chest.

"YOU BOYS!" Molly screamed, now infuriated. "I TOLD YOU WE HAD A MEETING TODAY AND TOLD YOU TO STAY WELL AWAY!"

"We're of age, mum," Fred and George protested at the same time.

"I DON'T CARE!" Molly cried.

"BUT MUM--" The twins began indignantly.

"Molly, they are of age," Sirius argued in the twins' defense.

Molly rounded on Sirius, "You, you stay out of this, Sirius."

"Sirius is right, Molly" Remus agreed. 

Molly threw up her hands, exasperated, and defeated.

"Out, all of you, now," Molly said, her voice full of anger, which was enough to make anyone do as she said.

Fred, George, Ron and Hermione left the room their heads hanging, like a dog with it's tail between it's legs.