Stuck out of Orbit

Chapter 1 | In My Hollow Tin Chest

Elek. Elek. Elek. I don't remember when I first had a crush on Elek, I think it started as an identity crush, I loved what he represented, but it changed over time. I was still in awe of his image but I started to develop feelings for him as a person. It's those feelings that led to my downfall.

"Oceanne. It's time to get up, it was time to get up ten minutes ago." Someone yells from the hall and I groan before rolling over to my alarm to see the truth behind those words. I jerk up from my comatose position and untangle myself from the sheets, crawling down the ladder of my bed I hurry to find my pants and sweater in the mess of clothes on my floor. I slip on my striped fuzzy socks, sweatpants and sweater and race into the kitchen for breakfast. It's chaos. Absolute chaos. I've never overslept, ever. Okay, that's probably not true but it's still stressful. I make myself some toast, exactly the way I make it every morning and I sit in the same spot I sit in for every meal. My throat is unusually dry this morning so I pour myself a glass of milk to wash the toast down. As I hurry to swallow my breakfast, I glance at the clock as the menacing minute hand slowly creeps to my doom. I put the breakfast stuff away and my plate and glass on the counter, before hurrying to go take a shower. The usually soothing feeling of the hot water, gone, disappearing down the drain as I turn the water off. I step out into the cold air of the room, my freshly showered, naked skin shivers in the change of temperature as I grab my towel and wrap myself up. What the heck is this? This thing is minuscule, it's a pathetic excuse for a towel.

Getting dressed was a chore, leaving was an ordeal and focusing is a nearly impossible task. This is not a good day for me. I'm always full of concentration and it's impossible to break, especially on a Friday when I know that I have a weekend to prepare for the next week of social obligations. Classes fly by, as my attention flits from one thing to the next, completely avoiding class, the only sign I'm fully alive is my semi-robotic hand unconsciously taking notes. The bell rings and I shove my stuff into my bag before getting up to leave.

I've made it through the day. I can go home now, home to my crisp smelling books, home to few people. I move my way through the halls, an arm bent out in front of me, slamming through the crowd that ebbs and flows like an organic being.

I'm at home and I've never been more grateful for anything in my life. My computer holds the wonders of the internet and I do my homework before doing some private research. It's grade eleven, the most important year of my life and I'm as nervous as I am excited. I've picked my top four universities and I know exactly what I want to do. My dreams are filled with the University of Edinburgh and Alberta and Victoria and British Columbia. Filled with acceptance letters and lectures. Filled with the excitement of new horizons. But with those dreams comes the nightmares, the nightmares that happen much too often. It can't be healthy. The fear of rejection by all four universities. The fear of not being able to make it through university. The fear of being a failure. I'm pretty sure it's not normal. I think most girls my age are stressed or anxious about boys and makeup and dating. None of that is in my plan. To quote Rory Gilmore, "Who cares if I'm pretty if I fail finals?", it proves to you just how important all of this is to me. I have no time for boys or fashion or anything for that matter. All I care about is school, university, and my career, I'll have a life after I graduate from University.

Monday morning rolls around and four of my classes announce tests. Tests that are all this week. After school, I bike to the library and up to the Reference Room where I am guaranteed pure silence. I pull out my notes, colourful pens, highlighters and cue cards. Plugging in my music, I start on my studying, the quiet beat helping me along.

"Oceanne." Someone's calling my name and I look up to see Elek, a boy with whom I have an identity crush on. I pull my earbuds out and smile at him.

"Hey! What are you doing here?" My legs are bouncing up and down under the table.

"Studying." He takes a seat across from me and pulls stuff out of his bag. I reach to put my earbuds back in and he asks, "Mind if I study with you?"

"Umm...no, sure." Crap, this is going to ruin my flow. Without the music to create my own little bubble, I'm distracted and I can't afford to be distracted. I need to maintain my A+ grade average, universities don't like slackers and I will not tolerate anything less than an A.

"What are you studying?" He asks and scans my array of coloured pens and highlighters.

"Biology." I keep writing out onto my cue cards and highlighting the important words.

"Me too. Let's study together." He reaches over and gently pulls my notebook from my grasp. My eyes widen in panic as he scans over the colour coded notes that I pride myself on. I look up at him and see his blue eyes that are almost grey and his blonde hair that sweeps over his forehead at the perfect length. His lips are pursed to one side in concentration and I realize that my heart is thump thumping in my hollow tin chest. Shut up, you stupid thing. This isn't part of the plan. Why can't you be cold and unyielding like always?

He's ruined me. He has no right to be like that and I won't have it. He totally messed up my study flow and now I'm going to fail. Don't look at me like that, I have a certain way I like to do things and when I stray from that path, things tend to fall out of balance and wreck everything.

I sit in the same spot for my meals every day. I eat the same thing every day, it rarely changes, and if it does, I will only eat toast, cereal or a smoothie. I colour code my notes and my pens are all the same brand. Books that are part of a series are always either hardcover or paperback, not both. I don't like certain textures or sounds, to the point where I physically can't touch or listen to them.

Every day this week, I go to school and stress about the tests, I have battles within myself and I try to cleanse myself of Elek. A teacher calls me after class and asks me if everything is alright. I break down. Everything is not alright. I'm so far from alright you can't find me with the Hubble telescope. The teacher, Miss Wren, who knows my particularities and understands them, asks me what I need.

"I need everything to go back to the way it was. I need my studying to not be affected, I need the universities to want me. I need to maintain my grade average and I need to stick with my plan."

"Oceanne? Is she okay?" Someone rushes over to me and I see my best friend, Indy's concerned face in my line of vision. "I know what to do." Indy pushes me out of my seat and leads me out of the classroom where people stare at the girl on the verge of hyperventilation. The girl who's twisted in the head. They stare and Indy glares them down before hurrying me outside to the grass where my other best friend is waiting. I fall onto the grass and I just let everything out, the heel of both hands pressed to my eyelids. They pretend to listen, which I greatly appreciate until I finally get everything under control.

"Oceanne?" No. Is today the one day everyone decides to see me? I keep my hands pressed to my face as I lay in the grass, praying the boy will go away.

"Elek, you need to leave." I hear Indy's stern voice. Of course, it's Elek. That was the one part I left out when ranting to my friends, is that my heart does this weird tap dance in my ice cold chest whenever I see him. They know that he messed up my study schedule and that's all they'll ever know.