The Love I Couldn't Keep

4. Alexa

Alexa was different. She had her own way of doing things and didn't listen to those who hated her. Seeing me in my depressed state, she tried to help me recover. We had spent so much time together, I felt that I was betraying Emerson. But she made me laugh, and I so desperately needed to laugh. I kept her around, and we soon 'fell in love'. Basically meaning she thought she loved me because she felt obliged to love me and heal me, and I thought I loved her because I missed the feeling of being accepted and cherished. However, we were truly a match made in hell. Because as time went by, she tried to change me, and I tried to ignore it. We would exchange empty 'I love yous', and talk about our future together even though we both knew somewhere in our minds that we weren't happy. I later realized that this wasn't enough; it never was enough.

We soon broke it off after coming to a mutual agreement about our situation. It was a little upsetting knowing that I had not only lost a lover, but a friend and supporter. Even though our relationship didn't last long, it still feels weird knowing that the lies went on for as long as it did. I have spent around eight months ignoring my feelings, ignoring how I didn't love her as much as I claimed to. Knowing that makes me ashamed of myself to be completely honest. Like I'm a person built of lies and false hopes. No one is perfect, but I've really hit a new low.

I never talked to Alexa ever again. Her number is still in my phone but there's no doubt that she deleted mine. What a shame that this didn't work out. I tell myself that maybe I could've loved her more if I wasn't still hung up on Emerson. I know that's not true, though. I know I wouldn't. History and time are very meticulous and they don't make any mistakes. This was meant to be. Maybe.

Alexa taught me that you can't convince yourself to love someone just because you think you should. You should never put yourself in a relationship where you're questioning whether you made the right choices.