Let's Play Pretend

XIV. Thanks for the Lies

(Matt's POV) 

Middle/End of Day Six 

I stormed into the kitchen, mad as hell. I was trying to be sad but I was just getting pissed instead. That as the worst good-bye I've ever had. And on top of everything, I'd just given away one of the only things I had left of my brother. I'd just given it to a girl who just reacted in the worst way possible to me telling her I loved her. 

On top of being thorougly devestating, it was just fucking humiliating. 

I slammed the door shut behind me with all the strength I could muster. It made dishes rattle in the shelves. 

"Woah, man," Josh said to me as he came in from downstairs. "Calm down." I was almost ready to rip my own hair out. 

"Where's your beanie?" He asked. And that single question sent me over the edge. I grabbed a glass from the counter, pitched my arm back, and chucked it across the room. It was only slightly satisfying when the glass shattered against the wall and showered onto the floor. I put my hand on my head and pulled on my hair. 

"That fucking bitch! That absolute fucking bitch!" I screamed. Josh ran over and grabbed my arms. I hadn't had an breakdown like this in a month. Josh knew this. He grabbed my arms, pinned them to my sides, and pushed me against a wall. 

"Matt! Matt, stop! Snap out of it!" He smacked me across the face, harder than I would've liked. But it did the trick. I shook my head and suddenly the room was clear. It had been a blur. Glass cruncehd beneath my shoes.

"I-i...I don't..." I swallowed thickly, clenched my sweaty fists. "I'm almost afraid to ask what happened." 

"You called Charlie a 'fucking bitch'." I backed away from him. 

"Oh God. Oh God, I didn't mean that. I really didn't mean it." 

"I know, Matt. I know that." I nodded, my head still thick with bad judgement. I took five cautious steps across the kitchen and leaned over the sink, plagued with the sudden urge to vomit. 

"I gave my beanie to Charlie," I whispered. 

"You...you want?" 

"I gave my beanie to Charlie. I gave my beanie to Charlie. I gave...my beanie....to Charlie. It sounds morea and more ridiculous every time I say it. But I told her I loved her and she...she um..." 

"Matt...have you been taking your meds?" 

"What?"

"Have you been taking your pills?" 

"That doesn't have anything to do with--" 

"But it does. You haven't had a fit in over a month. We thought you were better. You thought you were better. Matt, you haven't taken your pills and you haven't gone to therapy. You're not better."

"No."

"No."

"I'm held together with tape and glue. I'm like some vase that a kid broke playing bsaeball in his mom's house. I'm held together with tape and glue because I'm broken. But with her...the tape and glue went away because I didn't need it anymore. She made me...um...she made me forget. About everything that happened. She made me forget that the whole accident was entirely my fault--" 

"It wasn't your fault." 

"But it was, see? Because I am his distracting twin brother an I made him drive when I was perfectly capable of driving. I just didn't feel like it. and she--she made me forget that I just didn't feel like it. she made me forget that 'just not feeling like it' is the reason that my brother is dead." 

"Matt...I'm your brother now. So stop talking like that. I'm not letting you go to the dark place again. I'm your brother." 

"Okay." 

"Good. Now...I'm sorry about Charlie."

"Yeah, me too." 

"You'll feel better over time." 

"No...I don't think that I will. But thanks for the lies." 

~~~

Charlie was in my dreams that night.

Along with flashes of my brother--and for oce it wasn't of the night he died. Sometimes it was of Charlie and my brother together. Her hair was twisting behind her back as she ran with him in my childhood backyard. Her freckles were kissed by the sun. She looked like a lioness: proud and playful. The sky was a bright, chilling blue--like how you see it on postcards. 

And there was my brother, Andrew,  next to her under the postcard blue sky. He looped his arm around her like they were best friends. He kissed her forehead like they were best friends. He was older--not in an ugly way. But in a way that makes you appreciate the years and things that a person's been through. 

"Come on, Matt," Andrew laughed. His cheerful tone shattered my heart. 

"What?" Dream-me asked. 

"Just admit it already because Charlie already told me." Charlie laughed. A sound that reminded me of a Disney princess and a hot actress all at the same time. 

"Sorry," she giggled. "I couldn't resist. He kept asking and asking. So I told him!" Andrew hugged her tight and then opened his arms to me. 

"Come on, little brother." 

"Two minutes, Andy. We're apart by two minutes." 

"Whatever, just join the party!" 

"I don't know what you guys are talking about." 

"That's adorable. Stop trying to pretend you forgot our engagement!" 

The dream froze and then almost immediately unfroze. Andrew's face became covered with the injuries from the accident. I remember seeing his face when the family was led t osee the corpse. 

"It's your fault, Matt. Your fault." Blood poured from his mouth and he dropped to his knees. In a panic, I tried rushing over to him. But dream-Charlie stepped in front of me, blocking my way. 

Her face was a mask of anger, despair, and confusion. The same face she was wearing when I told her I loved her. 

"You can't say that to me," she said. "Don't touch him. You'll just hurt him." 

"Matt...Matt! Matt!" Josh's voice rang out and broke the cloud of dream...or the nightmare. 

Josh was standing over me, his face disconcerted with fear and worry. 

"It was a dream," He told me. "Just a dream." Sweat quilted my body, almoset suffocating me. I wiped at it with the back of my hand. But it didn't do much. I was panting, no longer able to swallow the fear of the nightmare. 

"You need to start on your medication," Josh told me sternly. I grabbed ahold of my wrist and yanked me towards him. 

"Tell me you're going to take your pills."

"I am," I muttered. 

"No, I need you to say it." I swallowed. 

"I'll take my pills. I promise." 

"Good." 

"Now let me sleep and stop acting like my mother." He got off my bed and crossed the room to his. 

"It's going to be okay. There'll be more girls like her." I offered a forced smile. 

"You're lying again. But thanks...I guess." 

"You're welcome." 

And I fell asleep, trying my hardest not to think about Charlie or Andrew.