Hi, my name is [Dan] - COMPLETED

After 26: I don't, I can't, I won't

"Get the fuck away from me," I snapped at him and wiped my lips with my sleeve to get the taste of him off them. It didn't work. The kiss would be forever stuck in my mind, his touch forever ingrained in my skin. I could still feel the after effects of the kiss - my senses buzzing from the taste, the touch, the feeling that spread through my chest and made me feel hot and ache. Phil smelt like fruit and lynx up close, it sounds like a disgusting combination but it works well on him. I wished it didn't.
"You wouldn't stop talking and I was trying to explain. I just needed you to shut up."
"By kissing me!?" I exclaimed.
"I know, I didn't think it through." Phil bit on the inside of his cheek.
"You didn't think at all!"
"Just please, Dan, let me explain what I just did. Let me explain everything I've done." His eyes were pleading and I had to do everything in my body to look away. "I need you to understand."
"I don't understand... I can't understand any of this, Phil." I shook my head with a scoff. "I won't understand it."
I turned to walk away even though I wanted to know what Phil had to say, I wanted to make sense of everything but I wanted to run away more. Like I run away from everything. It's not like I owe Phil anything...
"Stop doing that!" He called after, he sounded pained.
"Doing what?" I stopped and waited for his reply.
"Stop walking away! Just let me speak to you," he told me.
"I think you've said enough," I replied and began to walk away again. I nearly didn't do it but just as I was turning around the corner I looked back at him. Only for a second. It was long enough to see the shock and desperation on his face.
I continued walking.

~

I avoided him that day. Or at least I tried to. I wanted to avoid everyone, including Chris and Peej.
I stood behind the schools gym, it was lunch so no one was inside. It was quiet as I stared into the window at the empty space. The patch of grass was wet and muddy so I leant against the gyms building and stared up. The clouds were grey, the sun was hiding as rain threatened to spill. It wasn't the clouds, however, that released the first pelts of water but myself. I felt tears drip down my cheeks, my eyes were raw red from crying. That was all I seemed to do - get angry and cry.

Fifteen minutes rolled by and I heard someone join me. They called out my name and then stopped right in front of me, panting heavily.
"How'd you find me?" I questioned and stared at the ground as I kicked a forgotten tennis ball into the grass where it was swallowed up instantly.
"I've been looking everywhere," Phil explained. It was true, he was out of breath and holding onto his knees.
"Do you ever quit?" I asked and scrunched my eyebrows together.
"I feel bad," he explained and staightened up. His breathing was still ragged and his cheeks were flushed red so I couldn't tell if I had left a mark on his face or not. A part of me hoped I hadn't, another part of me wished I'd hit him harder. The first part of me was louder and worry slammed itself into my chest because of it.
"I do too. I'm the one who punched you... I shouldn't have done that, even if you were being a dick." I wasn't sure if it was an apology or if I had just said it to release some of the guilt but I meant it. I knew I felt bad for doing it but I was feeling too many negative emotions to actually say 'sorry' for my actions, he wasn't the one sobbing behind the gym.
"No, I deserved it," he told me and looked away. He wasnt looking at anything important but I found myself following his gaze to the beginning of the tree line in the distance.
"No one deserves to be hit..." I whispered and a silence floated over us. It didn't feel overly awkward just uncomfortable, thick and heavy like it shouldn't be there but also peaceful because we knew we needed time to just think and breath. "Now that's cleared up can you just go?"
He looked away from the trees surprised that I had told him to leave, even though I had told him many times today. I turned away so I wouldn't have to look at him.

"I... I like you Dan," he blurted out.
"Huh?" I flicked my head up and looked into his eyes, trying to see if he was lying. "Don't you like Jessica?" I scoffed as I thought of the pair. The way Phil would follow her around like a puppy dog, laugh at her jokes, share his food with her. It dawned on me how much I had watched Phil since I had come to the school without even realising it.
"Fuck no! I'm gay..." he trailed off.
"Oh," was all I could get out.
"Yeah," his tone matched mine. He bit his lip, he took a step forward and I took one back so I was bascially becoming one with the gym wall. Phil shuffled back slightly. "When I first saw you I really liked you, like really liked you. You're hot! But then Jess told me you were a girl and I was so confused inside, I had never liked a transgender person before and I guess all my emotions bottled up and I'm sorry," he rushed it all out like he had been impatiently waiting for a chance to tell me. Like he had thought and rehearsed what he was going to say to me when he found the right time to. Except now wasn't the right time and I was sure there never would be one after everything that had happened.
"That's no excuse for making me feel like shit," I spat out. My body language showing annoyance but my heart was doing back flips inside my chest.
"I know... I was being selfish," Phil agreed.
"Selfish? You called me... that name. After spending time with you I thought you were nice but you're not so I can't just forgive you," I paused and gulped, "I can't." I pushed myself up off the wall and manouvered myself around Phil. I couldn't stand being around him. He made my head confused and my body pine for him.
"I only said that because I was scared," he told me before I could walk away completely. I nearly laughed.
"Scared Alfie would kick you off the popular table if you didn't?" I asked, my voice sounded more monotone than I thought it would. I moved away again but Phil held onto my arm softly.
"Scared he would hurt you!" Phil clarified.
"Hurt... me?" I asked confused. I pulled myself out of Phil's grasp but I didn't leave.
"He was angry at you, I had to do something. I didn't want to, Dan, I'm not that kind of person," he explained.
I thought back to the morning. When I had snapped at Alfie he looked at me like I was his own personal punching bag that he had come to after a stressful day. I remember Phil straightening up, muttering something he knew I would react to (maybe more so than he first thought.) It had calmed Alfie down. Before I could decide if I trusted Phils good samaritan story, he started speaking again. "Can we start over?"
"What...?"
"Hi my names Phil," he said and held out his hand. I looked at it like it was a foreign object. I lifted up my hand but was reluctant to place it in Phils.
"Dan," I mumbled. Phil took my hand in his and shook it.
"It's nice to meet you."

AN:
I finished the Hamilton musical (watching animatics) at 2:30 this morning and I have honestly never sobbed so much in my life. That was the best/worst 2+ hours I've ever put myself through.
- Rach x