Making It Big

Chapter Three: Friends?

He's frozen, stuck in a state of disbelief. But what is it that has made him still with fear. 

Zoe stands up excitedly and rushes towards us.

"Everyone, this is Jason, he is our new flatmate. He's really cool." Zoe introduces me as I awkwardly wave.

Troye moves into the room, only to escape to the kitchen as I am bombarded being introduced to their friends. I can't watch him anymore but some of his friends and Alfie seem to be with him. 

As everyone sits down in the living room I can sense a tension in the air, although it is mixed with excitement. 

"We're going to LA and we are going to see a 5 Seconds of Summer concert, and do some work obviously but yeah. Are you guys in?" Louise says.

Naturally, I tuned out, assuming they weren't talking to me, plus I could never go.

"Alfie and I are in but you already knew that. Troye are you in?" Zoe asks.

"I don't really have a choice so I don't know why you have to ask." Was his reply.

"Jason, would you like to come? You're invited." One of their friends asks me.

"Me? Um I will have to ask if I can get some time off work," I say confidently. "And an advance on my pay for the next three years." The second part I whisper to myself.

"It's all expenses paid pretty much, as long as you do some work. We can probably get you some with the Youtube guys." Joe, Zoe's brother, says.

"Um yeah I guess. But um I'm just not sure." I ramble, unable to think of anything to say. 

"It would be great to have you join us Jason. We really would like to have you with us." Another said.

"Well okay but I can't pay for anything or." I reply, skeptical.

No one says anything which makes me even more nervous.

"I mean I only make a little more than  $150 a week and I'm using a benefit to help pay to live here and I just don't know how I could afford this trip. And if I quit my job then I won't even make that much, so then I definitely can't go. And I just don't have any money and..." my rambling is cut short by Louise putting her hand on my shoulder.

"Jason, calm down. Breathe. Take a break. YouTube pay for all our travel and accommodation. And I know you don't work for them yet, but I'm sure we can convince them." She explains.

For once it actually calms me down. Normally, when people try to talk to me like that I cry and scream and cry some more. It's just upsetting. Louise has a calming nature that allows me to calm down.

"What do I have to do to get this job with YouTube? I don't have any experience, or anything. I don't even think I'm qualified to be on YouTube." I'm trying not to cry, not in public.

My body is tensing, I'm trying to keep calm but it's not working. I'm hoping it's not as visibly noticeable as I think. Part of me wants to get up and run to my room, closing the door and being able to cry. Another part of me wants to stay and tough it out. But what is the right answer. Because, truthfully it's not either.

"Why don't we go and call Simon from the Youtube HQ and see what he says?" Louise suggests allowing me to lead her to another part of the house.

When we are out of earshot of everyone else she told me that we would go to my room where it was more private. Something tells me she's onto my upset state. So much for the plan I had to pretend I was fine.

As we enter my room I move to sit on the matteress. Louise invites herself to sit next to me. I watch from the corner of my eye as I look towards the ground.

I'm fighting tears, I just poured all that personal stuff out in front of people I don't even know. Now I'm in a room with another person I don't know who is probably going to ask me a million and one questions.

"So I'm Louise and I seem to have become the mother of our friend group.  I want to say I can tell that you are both stressed, and upset. You can talk to me Jason." She's trying to comfort me, and it's sort of working, but I feel awkward.

"Yeah, I am a little upset. But I'm fine. Just a little tired. Yeah I'm just concerned about being unemployed. That's something I can't afford right now. I'm not in a position to be unemployed." I try to explain without giving a stranger too much of my life story.

She looks at me for a moment, contemplating what I said, trying to take it in and understand it.

"I know it must be hard, I'm not exactly and normal person. I'm gay and have depression and anxiety, I self-harm and cry. I'm an adult who isn't in control of their emotions and that's awful. I hate it. Why am I this way? Why was I chosen to be the freak? Clearly something went awfully wrong when God made me, because I broke all the rules." It was only after I finished my 'thoughts' that I realised I was speaking out loud.

She heard every damn thing i was thinking.

"Stop thinking. You know I heard that. I'm really sorry you feel that way. It's not fair for one person to care all the burden while others don't have to carry any. Should we ring Simon and try to get you a job to put your mind at rest a little bit?" She really is a sweet girl.

Louise picks up her phone and dials the number, putting it onto speaker. Waiting for someone to answer is the worst part of any phone call. Listening the ring of the phone as you wait to see what will happen.

Soon a small click is heard, signalling someone is answering.

"Hey Louise, how are you hun? What can I do for you today?" A manly voice comes through the phone.