mental overload

V

The wind presses against my cheekbones. Bitter, numbing my cheeks. I snuggle even more into my hoodie, pulling the sleeves even further to hide my ugly hands.

I stare into the sunset. I like sunsets. Not because they are all romantic, or pretty, just because it means night is coming.

If I could have a folder in my computer with my favourite memories, sitting on a hill whilst listening to music and watching the sun go down would probably be there.

I am usually an expressive person, loud and sarcastic. I shout, I laugh, I snort and I smile. But lately, I have felt no desire to be like this. There was a time where I would just hide my sadness under this, because no one wants to see the broken pieces, the cracks in my very being. My mask has saved me, actually. Tethered me to the world, did not leave me to be alone with my thoughts. The effort of keeping it up with some people just disappeared, and I would be my old self again. This times would also make it into the folder in my crappy computer.

Also, being in the car with my dad, and American Idiot blasting on the radio. Singing, until my voice became husky and my throat hurt. This memory is probably one of my favourites.

The first time I read Harry Potter. Or, even better, the first time I finished Harry Potter. I don't even remember the first time I did it. My mom says I was like eight years old. She's the reason I read it, she is the reason I like reading so much. She taught me to appreciate art. This would probably be number one in the computer file.

The first time I slept with someone, not platonically. I was actually drunk, and it was kind of sweet, because we both had boyfriends at the time, but they both didn't work out and a couple months later we started dating. Three months later, I went through some shit and broke it off. I still haven't gotten over it, and I have also discovered that I am a coward.
That memory probably wouldn't make it into the computer file, as it unlocks many other painful memories that I still feel horrible about.

The first anime I watched, the first time I wore a hoodie, when my mom got me a cat onesie for Christmas, the first dan and phil video I ever watched... This would all be in my computer folder.

The first time I listened to "The Light Behind Your Eyes" is also very important. To this day I can't listen to that song without tearing up.

My first Comic-Con (or the Spanish equivalent) is also something I love to relive.

It's funny, how all this memories were caused by outsiders in my life that are now vital to me. It's funny how I don't deserve any of these good, peaceful memories.

It's funny how I owe all these moments to others.

I guess I'm still waiting for my life to begin.