Give Me Envy, Give Me Malice, Give Me Your Attention *Ryden*

Allow Me to Exaggerate a Memory or Two

Sarah didn't return until late afternoon. The minute she came through the door, Brendon swooped in on her. "Okay, listen, I know I was wrong, not checking in with you last night. It was stupid of me, not telling you what I was doing and where I was going. I know you don't want to talk about it, but I just need to say, I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry."

Sarah let him finish, then slowly began putting away the groceries from the bags she carried. He jumped in to help her, continuing, "I started talking to him, and for the first time since the split, it was good. We didn't bring up the past, we just talked about music, you know, just kind of catching up. He showed me his home studio and some of the stuff he's been working on,--"

"His home studio?" Sarah interrupted.

Oh shit. Realizing his mistake a second too late and not knowing how to backtrack, Brendon said, "We didn't want to be seen together in public, so we thought it was safest to just go back to his house."

"How convenient."

"It was either that or end up all over the internet, and I don't want that."

"Oh no, because that would be terrible. It's not like it already didn't happen." Sarah said, sarcastically.

"Babe, I'm sorry. I should have called you."

He reached out and she allowed him to pull her into a hug. He felt her shoulders relax slightly and he murmured into her hair, "I won't let it happen again."

She pulled away and said, "I'm fine with you talking to him. Just, you know, maybe invite me next time. Keep me in the loop. I don't like feeling like you're going behind my back."

Brendon nodded. "I know, I'm sorry. It was an impulsive decision." Which led to another impulsive decision. "So...we good?"

Sarah sighed. "We good."

*****

The week passed uneventfully. He was able to get some writing done, which made him happy. It felt good to be productive, and it helped keep his mind off of...other things.

He tried to convince himself that the night with Ryan had been a one-time mistake, just a brief, alcohol-induced regression to their former relationship. There were times when he couldn't imagine cheating on Sarah, but there were other times when he couldn't imagine not seeing Ryan again, and he knew he couldn't have it both ways. If he saw Ryan again, shit was going to happen. He wished they could find a way to be friends, but they'd never been able to keep it at that level. Since the day they met, there'd been a chemistry between them that couldn't be denied, and they'd tried to deny it: to themselves, their closest friends, and to their fans.

The first time anything happened between them, it was during the Nothing Rhymes With Circus tour. The first kiss was because of a dare; the second one was because they were drunk. The tour was still new and thrilling, and the adrenaline rush from the shows often caused crazy things to happen backstage. He remembered one night, they barely made it off the stage before Ryan was grabbing him and dragging him into the bathroom. Back then, it was mostly just making out with each other and then going their separate ways, sleeping with groupies instead.

But then there was one night, about a month into the tour. The adrenaline rush was starting to be replaced by pure exhaustion, and after a show one night Brendon found Ryan slumped in his bunk looking miserable. He climbed up and lay beside him. "You okay?"

Ryan shrugged, pushing his face into the pillow. He said, muffled, "I didn't think it would be like this. I don't know if I can do this much longer."

Brendon leaned into him, putting a comforting hand on his back. "It's only temporary. Just get some rest."

They'd ended up falling asleep, waking up in the witching hours of the morning, limbs tangled. They met each other's eyes and simultaneously moved in for a kiss, which started off slow and gentle but escalated quickly into the hasty shedding of clothes. For the life of him he didn't know how they'd managed it in a bunk that small. He remembered the thrill, the heat of skin on skin, how hard they both were. At one point Ryan had pulled back, saying, "Should we do this? What are we--" but Brendon cut him off by slipping his tongue into his mouth, wrapping his hand around Ryan's cock at the same time. After that, there were no more questions.

They were sexually experienced with women, but it was the first time with another man for both of them. It should have been awkward, but it felt natural. They stroked each other long and slow, swallowing each other's moans. Knowing he couldn't hold out much longer, Brendon removed Ryan's hand and moved down the bed. It took a second for Ryan to realize what he was going to do, and when he did, he breathed, "Oh, fuck..."

"Shhh," warned Brendon, and wrapped his lips around Ryan's cock. Ryan jolted and jammed his fingers into Brendon's hair, pulling tight enough that Brendon reached up to smack his hand, laughing with his mouth full.

Ryan knew Brendon had a beautiful mouth, but he never imagined how talented it would be. He took him deep, applying steady pressure with his full lips, adding his hand to the mix after a minute. Ryan was squirming beneath him and it was beautiful.

Suddenly Ryan froze, tried to push Brendon's head away, "I'm close."

Brendon only began to work his mouth harder, faster. Ryan groaned, "Brendon, I swear to God I'm gonna come..."

"So come," Brendon murmured and latched back on.

Ryan let go, grabbing fistfuls of covers like he was trying to anchor himself to the bed. His back arched as he watched Brendon swallow his come, wipe his mouth with back of his hand and grin.

"The fuck did you learn to do that?" Ryan asked, sounding awed. He reached down to pull Brendon up the bed. "Your turn."

Switching positions, Ryan returned the favor, a little unsure, but willing to follow Brendon's example. When Brendon was close, he warned him, saying, "Just because I did doesn't mean you have to--"

Ryan moaned, "I want to taste all of you." And Brendon went over the edge, shooting into Ryan's mouth, watching as he gamely swallowed. Ryan moved up the bed again, catching Brendon's mouth with his, the taste of their come mingling and oh God, that was hot.

After that, there'd been no turning back. It didn't happen frequently, but when it did it often started out with them trying to comfort one another when it was starting to feel like the tour was never going to end.

And then Ryan got a girlfriend, which changed everything. The tour ended and they were arguing constantly. Ryan was unhappy with the music. They fought their way through the entire writing of the second album, needing to stay stoned half the time just to put up with one another.

And then Ryan left. And that was that.

Until now.