i do love you

CJ

i can't really complain. i believe that i've been pretty alright this quarter besides talking too much in general music and social studies and not really getting my homework done. no, i do do it.. i just forget to hand it in sometimes. my attitude is very positive, though. i also consider myself pretty respectful. i also transferred to this school for a new beginning, a new life; new friends, new peers.. etc. and to get away from him. 

at first, things were really great, couldn't of been better. i made new friends, i couldn't of been happier. i instantly clicked with all of them. for awhile.. i actually felt like i belonged. but then i saw someone i knew from my old school and my heart started beating so fast i could hear it pounding in my eardrums. i felt taller than i really was and my legs felt like spaghetti. i knew this someone for years, someone i used to know and love. him. my ex.

then i saw his best friend who was once a really good friend of mine and my world collapsed. 

then, even worse.. i saw my replacement. a short girl with long brown hair and blue eyes. crystal grey blue eyes. like mine. in that moment, when i saw her laughing with them, eyes twinkling, arm in arm with him, happier than ever like me a long time ago, a time that will not exist ever again, i couldn't feel anything. i felt... numb. in that moment, i knew what the personality eating, life destroying monster called jealousy was. 

i had come here to get away from the both of them. from him. i hate them. i hate him. i know hate is a strong word, which is why i used it. 

over a million thoughts were running through my head, causing it to ache, as i stumbled down the hallway and fumbled with the lock on my locker.

did they see me?

did they follow me here? did he follow me here? no.. how would they of known i'd be here?

should i say something?

should i apologize?

i couldn't stop thinking about it, how if he knew i was there, he'd tell everyone everything. i couldn't bear to go through that again. i couldn't focus because i knew he saw me. i felt his imitating, dark eyes on me. those eyes that had once looked at me lovingly, like i was the only one he saw. the only one he'd ever see. those eyes that once would sneak glances at me during class and give me butterflies. those eyes that made me feel beautiful just by being held in them. those eyes that were a part of him and once a part of me, lost their shimmer when he locked eyes with me in that hallway that day.

i knew my new beginning had come to an end and soon enough, it did. everyone, absolutely everyone had found out. he told everyone. and every single time someone asked me, "you fucked/dated/sucked aiden bachelder?" i hated him a little more.