I'm sitting here, on the ice cold bathroom floor, staring at the toilet in front of me. What have I become?
"Shut up! Just do it already! You're so fat, Maddie! Do it! Don't you want to be skinny like me?", Mia screamed in my head. I felt the tears roll down my cheek, as I became numb. I didn't want this. Yet, I still do it.
I toke a glance to the door, then back to the toilet. I do want to be skinny. There's only one thing left to do, I told myself.
I sat there, purging for a good 15 minutes, while the bathroom water ran so it would drown out the sound of my silent screams.
I got up and washed my face and turned off the light and walked in my room. I stayed up all night, watching the ceiling and listening to the voices in my head. My eyes were watering up, I couldn't help myself. My stomach was growling but I told my self that if I eat it'll only make me fatter.
I must have fallen asleep through all the crying, because I woke up to my alarm clock blaring in my ear. I hit the snooze button, while my eyes were still closed. Then, I sat up and rubbed my eyes open and felt the dry tears on my rosy cheeks.
I quickly got dressed, wearing baggy sweat pants and an over sized sweat shirt. I wear them everyday to cover up my ugly fat.
I drove myself to school and sat alone at the lunch room table, waiting for first bell to ring so I could go to my class. My stomach was growling at me to eat something--anything. I bite my lip as I watched people walk by with trays of food. They were serving bacon and eggs for breakfast. The smell was intoxicating, like heaven.
"Don't even think about it!", Ana screamed in my head, "Remember you have to be skinny so you can be beautiful."
How about I eat and then just go in the bathroom and purge a little? It doesn't sound that bad.
I went through the breakfast line and got a tray full of bacon and eggs. I took a big whiff of it and my stomach growled loudly. A girl behind me heard it and stared at me in a wild expression. I quickly walked away and sat down to eat.
As I took my first bite of bacon, my eyes rolled back in my head from the deliciousness of the bacon. I began to eat more rapidly. Then, I heard some girl laughing behind me. I took a glance back, and they were all staring at me, with their heads thrown back in laughter.
"Slow down, fatty!", the one in front of them said.
"You're going to choke on your own fat.", said another.
"Poor girl, she thinks she's actually cute. Nice try.", all of them began to laugh again as another group of girls approached.
"Wow, what girl ever eats that much?"
"That's disgusting."
"A shame."
"You should go home, no one likes fat girls."
They all laughed and taunted me more. I tried so hard not to let them see my weakness.
"Oh, and did you hear about her father?", a girl in the very back said to another girl, "he died from obesity."
I ran. Tears blurring my vision. I ran out into the parking lot, to my car. I fumbled with the keys and finally got in. It never stop does it? The voices of Mia and Ana screaming in her head, along with the mean words the other girls said.
She skidded out of the parking lot, making a black tire line in the lot. She couldn't stop the flow of tears escaping her eyelids now. She tried to focus on the road but it was so hard because of all the laughter and screaming and taunting going on in her mind.
Suddenly, she looked to her left and saw a bright light and then everything went in slow motion.
The next day, a picture of her was on the first page of the news paper confirming her death in a car accident.
***
No one knows how bad words really hurt. No one knows what people do when they go home.
"You know my name not my story. You know what I've done, not what I've been through."
If you didn't catch on about who Mia and Ana are here's a little more insight:
Ana and Mia are nicknames that come from the words Anorexia and Bulimia. Bulimia is an eating disorder where the patient binges (eating excessive amounts of food) and purges (self induced vomiting) for at least twice a week for 3 months and is at a normal weight or overweight. Anorexia is a disease where the patient is less than 15% body fat, has an intense fear of gaining weight, and has Amenorrhea (absence of a woman's period for at least 3 consecutive menstrual cycles). Generally the people that use the terms "Ana" and "Mia" don't actually suffer from the disease, they are just the people who think eating disorders are a lifestyle or a choice. These people merely resort to the "Goddess Ana and Goddess Mia" to drop a few pounds in order to become beautiful and glamorous.
