A Boy and his Dew

There was once a boy. This was no ordinary boy. This boy was in love. This boy was in love with Mountain Dew. Mountain Dew meant everything to this lonely boy. He didn't have any friends, any loved ones, not even a pet snail named Gibby. All he had was rock with a smiley face on it. Not even the freaking rock liked him. Do you know what this boy needed? He needed a close friend. Someone who would care for him, breastfeed him, and be by his side! That is why he found the one, the only, Mountain Dew!

"Hey there Dew, my name is Boy and I like pickle sauce." The boy was very awkward in conversations like these. He never knew what to say or what to do. The dew just sat there. I mean, what did he expect? It is a sugary beverage! It doesn't talk, eat, sleep, or even go potty wotty when it needs to. "What should we go do today, my diabetic friend?" asked Boy. "I have an idea, lets go jump around in the yard and make a scene!" This was the start to the greatest friendship of all time.

This boy did everything with the dew. They ran, they jumped on the trampoline, they swung, they played on slides, they built sandcastles like Donald Trump, and it was all a great time. Boy went around picking flowers out for Dew, eating cockroaches just like Dew liked him to, and sang him songs. Dew's favorite song was Darude - Sandstorm. Sadly, it started to rain. The boy and his dew ran inside as fast as they could. (Not very fast considering that the only thing Boy drinks is Mountain Dew)

Whenever they arrived at Boy's trailer park, Boy decided that he needed to go to the Dew Factory, and he needed to look at all the different species of Mountain Dew. "There's just so many different types, I just have to study them all!" screamed Boy excitedly. He ran out to the Dew Factory dropping his pants along the way.

After a long day at the Dew Factory, Boy came home to a big surprise. It wasn't a good surprise, and Boy was very mad. He had come home to see Dew cheating on him with Pepsi! Not just one Pepsi, not two, but three! "YAW SILLY! ARE YOU FO' REAAALL? YOU SERIOUSLY WANNA FIGHT RIGHT NOW? DAT'S IT, IM CALLIN' MAH DEWAPIST!" The boy picked up his phone and dialed the Dewapist's number. He accidentally called his mom, and his mom called him out for being a self-centered ***hole. He then quickly hung up and actually called the Dewapist. He then scheduled a quick appointment for his "Mountain Dew issue".

Later that evening, the Dewapist arrived. "Hello, hello? It's your Dewapist. You told me to come here, it was an emergency." The boy welcomed him into his broken trailer, and they started to talk.

"So, what is your problem tonight?" asked the Dewapist. Boy quickly responded with, "YOU!" The Dewapist got up to leave, but then shoved back in his seat by Boy. "I have a really big problem. You see, my Mountain Dew was cheating on me with Pepsi!" yelled Boy. The Dewapist was very confused. "Umm... I don't fully understand the issue. Let me get this straight, you're married to this drink?" Asked the Dewapist. Boy was furious! "YOU SAID IT WAS JUST A DRINK, ARE YOU FO' REAALL? DAT'S IT!" The boy activated his special attack - Wake up neighbors! "DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW!!" yelled Boy as loud as he could. The Dewapist was covering his ears, he then ran out the door, running for his dear life. "You know what? I DON'T NEED YOU! I'm going to work this out with my dew, and my dew only!"

This was when the boy was clueless. He had nothing else left. Just him, his dew, and his trailer. Oh, and also a gun he found. He held the gun up to Dew's head. "Look at the roses! Look at the roses! Oh wait, there ain't no roses." He shot Dew. Right in the head. That was sadly the last day Dew was ever seen. Dew will be sadly missed. JUST KIDDING, BURN HIM!