Heliotrope

Chapter 12: Bouvardia Double

And so, we moved on.

She was heartbroken. But I was glad. And I felt sick to my stomach that the fact that Bonnie's breakup had made me feel so good. So relieved. Because if she was lead under the covers of her bed wondering where the hell she went wrong, and if he was pacing wet fields wishing he could have found the words to say, then they weren't like me and Ash. There would be no betrayal, no words that stung like bitten necks of a vampire's prey. There wouldn't be the screaming and the crying.

And all along, I had been hoping for it to end. For it to end like this. Just a silent realisation that what goes up must come down and you can't always and up married to the boy you love when you're fourteen.

And what did she say?

She told me this. "Yeah, it hurts. But at the same time, I'll just think of him and smile. Because every spring we are reborn - we are flowers, blooming again. Our love sprouts up from the earth, everything is fresh and new. Summer comes, the heat gets to your head but you like it that way. You can't stop kissing him and you want to live like this, forever. In this moment." She wiped her eyes. And I did too. Because she spoke the words that were far beyond her years, the real truth that I could finally resonate with. "But when autumn arrives you can feel things derailing. You've been wandering through a forest and the leaves are finally starting to fall. You want to sing out but your voice is starting crack; you don't want admit it but you can feel it there."

"Bonnie-" I tried to interrupt.

But she wouldn't let me. "And by winter? Well, you're not together anymore and that's just the way it is. Your love is as dead as the flowers."

Only fifteen but with a heart as old and wise as the future's past. Bonnie. And so obelievably strong.

I knew everything she was saying.

I was like her - I wasn't in love with Ash, anymore. But I was stuck on the idea of the perfect family life, the idea of teenage sweethearts against odds. I was infatuated by feeling of Miette turning up at my wedding and realising that Ash Ketchum was mine. Mine. I had won him. Maybe that was what it has been about all along - winning. A childish game. If our love was just a game, maybe that was why it died so soon.

And when Clemont came along, I saw a safe haven. There was finally something there to hold my freezing cold body after spending night after night with an icy husband like Ash. His skin was warm to touch but his eyes were frozen, like a long-dead corpse, when he looked at me. The question loomed over us - what on earth were we doing? The marriage had thrown us into chaos, and Baby Heliotrope was our only livewire. But then she was gone. My daughter died before she even got a chance at life.

What would Bonnie Heliotrope Ketchum say if she knew I had cheated on her father? She would be ashamed of me.

But she wasn't there. And neither was the other Bonnie, the one I wasn't related to but all my strings were attached to. I found comfort in Clemont's words, in his forever kind words. In him. He was my safe haven and I forced myself on him. He derserved me, though. And I wanted him.

It wasn't about the night - it was so much more.

Bonnie turned her head away from me and stared at the wall. "But you're just so grateful to him. You're thankful for all the times he slept beside you and was still there when you woke up, all the times he kissed your forehead when you were crying. And sure, maybe you both gave eachother things you'll never get back - but it was worth it." Things change. She looked back at me. "Everything was worth it, Serena. Even this heartbreak we're both feeling, now - it was worth it. Because a first love is a love like no other. And at least we'll always be sleeping under the same sky."

Bonnie is eighteen, now. Finally free. As soon as she became a legal adult she was out the door. Clemont had been her chains all her life. And she had even once said that she once felt like his controlling nature could have been what lead to her and Max's breakup. But she wasn't going to blame him. She was too mature. She had grown too much. She just wanted to travel and be free. She had finally broken free of her chains.

But I always understood why Clemont was so scared. He just wanted to protect her, and she did give him plenty of reasons to worry, afterall. But one thing lead to another. And now Bonnie has streaks of pink in her hair, more piercings than I had wedding vows and many, many tattoos. Most are of flowers - things she admires very much. She's still traveling. Clemont wonders when she'll come home. But we can't force her. There's a whole world to see.

I love Clemont, not in a flashy, just in it for the luxury of it way, but a genuine way this time.

But I'm terrified of marriage, now. Commitment in general. My mother hates me, she says I'm a 'femme fatale' - Delia Ketchum wished death upon me, once.

But I have Clemont, even just to hold, and I'll be okay.