Take A Minute

Part 8

Right now, I'm starting to find it hard to breathe. Or think, or focus. Everything's starting to turn into one big blur. And I'm not okay with it. I'm not okay with what I'm thinking. I'm not okay with how things have been going for me lately. I'm not okay with the way I am feeling. I'm honestly just not okay. Every little thing hurts. Things that shouldn't get to me, and haven't gotten to me in a long time are getting to me. And I don't know if I can handle it. I don't feel like I can handle any of it. 

Do you know what it feels like to be drowning? I do. I was about four of five; My parents took my siblings and I to the beach. We had these two tubes, and my sister was on one. I was trying to swim under it, but I got stuck under it, and I couldn't get out. Then I panicked. The rest is pretty much common sense. I start to drown. Woman gets me out of water, and here I am. But, what I want to focus on is how it felt. While in comparison that situation was probably far more serious than this one is. How I feel now is just about the same as I felt then. Trapped. Surounded. Helpless.  I'm so tired in every sense of the word. But, I don't have time to be tired. There is far too much going on right now. I check oe thing off my list and add on two more. 

Yet, I'm still sitting here. Writing another entry that probably won't be read. For what? What am I even doing here? I should be writing one of my multiple essays. Or doing my algebra homework. Or perhaps studying for my tests that I missed for band. I have so much on my plate, but I can't help but push it aside to write. To escape. I guess it feels that if I write it down. That it's a story. A fairytale. Not reality. That if it's in my little 'book' then it isn't real. Even if just for a couple minutes, until I publish it and then it's back to reality.