Take A Minute

Part 18

It's not something I am proud of, and definitely not something that I like to tell anyone. But, I do need to say it. Every toxic friendship I've had, every friendship that I've had that have now ended badly. Well, they have each done a number on me. Particularly the first on and the last one. Both two very different girls, two very different friendships, yet they both had the same effect. The first girl, that one hurt a lot, and it's probably because she was my best friend for 10 years, and I was closer to her than I was my own sister. And you know I thought it was a mutal thing, beause boy is her sister a loser. We were inseperable (or so it seemed haha) and we didn't mind that it was just us. Me and her against the world, you know? Well, when push came to shove, she did what she thought was right, and chose her horrid sister over me. 

Now, this last girl. it wasn't the same type of friendship it was actually so very different than the others. Now that I think of it, she actually hurt me in the very early stages of the friendship, and I guess from that point I never idd fully trust her, but for some reason I still told her things, not everything, but some things. Then I guess it was fine for a while, until I guess she started to have feelings for me? I personally wa questioning my sexuality at the time, and she took advantage of that. I of course figured my stuff out and then told her that I didn't feel that way for her, and it seemed like she took it pretty well. But, things aren't always what they seem, and she started to use that against me, made me feel almost guilty for not feeling the same. Then at one point, it was out of nowhere really, she accused me of using her to get to her "boyfriend." (To which I replied "ex-boyfriend" because they have been broken up for a long time.) But, that was what kind of woke me, up and elt me realize that it wasn't okay. So, I ended our friendship. I cut off all ties with her, and I honestly ignored her existence. 

What happened with her really threw me off. Whenever she was around I got super irritated and angry, or I would have panic attacks. I struggled with trusting people. I just wasn't okay, I don't know how to explain how I felt, because that was the first time I felt like that. Maybe, it was because during that time, one of my closest friends, who had promised to never leave or judge me, was drifting away, and not doing anything about it. So, I didn't have him to go to. I didn't have him to help me breathe when I felt like I was suffocating because she was in the same room as me. 

Then she was gone. She wasn't at school anymore, she didn't come to band, she was just gone. It was great. I wasn't feeling as terrible all the time anymore, and I was starting to get better. 

But, then there she was. It was a rehearshal for a parade we were going to be in, and she was just there. And she would try her hardest to just be around me, wherever I was she insisted on talking to someone who was near. She was the first person I felt pure hatred for. Because she was able to have the affect on me, and torture me, without even saying a word.