Screaming into empty voids

II.

V.
I'm a mess I'm a fucking mess I miss you why can't I just be enough for once can't you see my heart belongs to you and you only. Everything hurts and I feel like my stomach is in my chest or my heart is in my stomach or like my heart is in my throat and maybe that's why I haven't been able to completely swallow that this has actually happened. Maybe that's the reason my stomach hasn't felt the same since you left, because my insides aren't right. That's gotta be the reason. Why else would I feel this consistent lump in my throat and never ending sinking feeling in my stomach? There is no explanation for my body to react this way except for maybe not just my mind is a mess; maybe I'm just A mess altogether. Maybe the air that I was finally able to breathe while you were here somehow trapped itself inside me and is now forcing my insides into different places. Maybe that's why my stomach sank and never came back up. Maybe your name has itself stuck in the back of my throat and that's why I haven't been able to eat or speak right, maybe that's the lump that just won't go away. But none of these are reasonable explanations for the reactions my body is having because we all know a name can't get stuck in your throat and your stomach can't sink. But why do I have this feeling that I'm never going to be the same after this is over

VI.
I want to forget
The placement of the creases in your palm
And how the curves of your hands fit perfectly into mine.
I want to forget
The sound of your voice during hours in which sleep is nonexistent
The slurred "I love you's" and heartbreaking goodbyes.
I want to forget
The galaxies in your eyes that seemed much more vivid when you were telling me you hate me.
When you spoke of her..
I want to forget
The nights when "I hate you" ran off your tongue much more smoothly than "I love you" ever did.
I want to forget
The morning you left
And I couldn't even gather the strength to leave my bed.
The worst part is, we've both moved on and I'm still sitting here hating the scars you left. I want to forget

VII.
'maybe it was my fault
for falling in love with your words
instead of your eyes.
maybe that is why i am crying
at 4 am'
because i loved you
for more than just for the reasons
that your skin whispered to me.
my fingers ache
because they want to trace
the pattern of your veins.
over and over
until i fall asleep.
you know that
all i need is a whisper
from your lonely lips
and
i will come crawling
back to you
every goddamn time,
you know i will.
just one drop
of your poison
makes me sweat.
i would have followed your love
anywhere and
you knew that,
you abused that
my unconditional love for you
is still here,
god damn it,
set in stone,
not yet eroded
by biting wind
and burning rain.
i got lost in you
and I never came home.
i am still lost
and now
i am broken and
alone.
i am falling over thoughts
i need to forget.
how am I supposed to get back
to where i was before
i met you?
i am tired of crying
at 4 am
and taking too many pills
to get your voice
out of my head.
you are in my dreams
you are in everyone i meet
i look for you in crowds
i hear your past
in the walls
of my bedroom
late at night,
i see you in the mirror,
loving me back
i am going crazy
waiting for you,
loving you
this much,
it is killing me.
you cannot be my home
anymore
i am not safe here
since you sent me away
i am dying and
i love it because
it is all i have left of you
to hold on to
i still miss you
i cannot do this
without you.
just a few more pills
to calm me down.
then maybe,
i will try calling you again.
if i write you
another poem,
will you love me back
like i deserve?
because i deserve
to be happy—
you said i did.
i hate you
i swear to god i hate you
i love you
i love you
i love you
with everything i have
i cannot deal
with you anymore.