I just want this off my chest.

Devastation.

So to start this little story I'll just start from the beginning. To be honest I don't really know how to explain all this, but I'll just try my absolute best. So when I was about 1-4 (I can't remember exact ages for any of these memories because it was about a decade ago) my real father used to fight with my mother all the time. I remember whenever they got into a really big fight we (me and my brother) would always stay at one of my mom's friends house. There I watched my first movie that was scary being Freddy vs. JASON. There were good memories there and there were bad but hey, it was way better than hearing my mother being yelled at. My father wasn't right in the head, every so often my mother talks about how he wasn't always like that, and how he was sick in the head and just needed help, but I don't know. My mother used to always ask people to watch us when me and my brother were growing up. It's hard being the only one working in the house while the other one is scoring hoes on the side. I remember so many memories from when my mom had no one that could watch us while she had to work so she took us with her to work. My mom used to work a job that was called Terminx or something like that and they would get rid of rodents, bugs, etc. She left me and my brother in the car while she ran in and did her job, she was only about 10 minutes but me being a kid, it felt a very long time. I was touching everything in the car, I was a very curious kid. I took the car out of "Park" and I ended up putting it in "Drive" or "Neutral" and the car started rolling down hill. Thank whoever may have been watching us that day, my brother ended up probably saving my life
He put the car back in "Park" before my mom's car ended up being wrecked. So after that incident my mom had to get a babysitter to watch me and my brother while she was working because she didn't want the car thing to happen again. My mom called a woman that I guess she knew from somewhere, I didn't really know her at all, but I remember the whole time staying there due to it being a big day in my life. The woman watching us had children, but she didn't really watch us she just had her eldest child watch us. Her eldest child must have been like 15 or 18 around those ages, she wasn't very old though. She just put a movie on and we sat there watching it. The movie was It the killer clown movie, and even then I wasn't scared of clowns, it was and still is a wonderful movie. So in the morning waking up from watching that movie, I found a lighter laying on a counter and I didn't want to get caught so I hid under a bed and started playing with the fire, I was in love with fire ever since that day to be honest. I sparked the lighter, no flame, but I thought it was the most beautiful thing in the world, I wanted more. I sparked the lighter again and there was a flame and it stood strong and high, a little too high. The fire lit the bottom of the bed almost instantly, the whole bottom burned with flames and I had to crawl my way out of the bed fast! I managed to get out of course due to me still being alive and all and I remember being as scared as can be while the bed was roaring with fire. I walked out of the bedroom and shut the door then ran to my brother. I didn't tell anyone because I was sorta shy and I just didn't know how to explain that situation, I was only about 4 years old. Eventually the residents spelt smoke and people came knocking on the door and my mom's whatever she was came to the door and was told about the smoke and the whole floor was evacuated. We all went down to the base level and that's when cops came and started asking how we started the fire and stuff and I blamed my brother. I was a notorious liar as a child, I didn't really take up to my own doings. After that my mom didn't really want people watching us and she had to quit her job I think and I don't really remember her working anymore that much from there. After all that stuff me and my brother went home and we learned how to take care of ourselves from there on mostly. There are some memories I remember of my father of him not yelling, but the bad outweighs the good. Here are just a few from the top of my head, I remember being at a dinner table with him and he used to smack me for eating with my mouth open. He once took my brothers hand and burnt it on a stove because my brother kept touching it, he tried to teach him a lesson. The only good memory I have of his was when it was either Christmas or my birthday and we were opening gifts. I remember it being some sort of gooey volcano or something like that, it was so cool. One day while being as curious as a cat I was with my mom one day and I was just going through all her stuff while she was like dressing or something, I remember putting one of her bras on my head and acting like a fly, I had a huge imagination as a kid, but what kids don't. So I was looking through everything in the house and I remember digging through my mom's bed, I opened it up and I found a gun. What we didn't know was this may have been the gun that possibly killed my grandfather unfortunately. I told my mom and she didn't believe I found a gun, so I showed her. She told me to put the gun back and not to touch it fearful of my dad. I don't remember much from there, but I do remember my mom with blood going all down her face from my father throwing a phone at her head. My mom took me and my brother away and we stayed at my grandparents house then because she was fearful of what could happen next. All I remember was all the blood, and to this day she still has the scar between her eyebrows. One day my Grandpa went back to our house because he was going to fix the water heater or something so we could sell the house because my mom was leaving my dad, she didn't like the abuse and my dad caught him. My dad shot him and he was dead. From then on I remember everything that has happened and it all fell apart then. I feel in that same year I lost both my grandparents and boy was it sad. After my Grandpa passed away, my Grandmother got lung cancer short after and passed away. Once she passed away, me my brother and my mom moved into an apartment with a small family. There was a woman a man and 2 kids, two of my only I guess you could call friends at that time. At this time I had so many problems being a kid with that traumatic situation that happened in my life I feel that may have been the reason I've been in trouble most of my days, I've had so many tantrums and I've never really been able to express myself to anyone. I've been in and out of therapy my whole life basically. I remember so many happy memories from that apartment, and little did we know in that very apartment my mom met the love of her life, my step dad. Me and my step dad even had problems then, I remember spitting on his face and he spat back on mine and boy was I pissed. I learned to like him and heck, he's a good guy I'm glad my mom met him in the end, it was probably the best thing that happened since losing my Grandparents.