If I would have listened and incorporated that very simple idea from the first time I was told by my grandmother as a child then I could have avoided the majority of my pain and destruction. I was famous for settling for sorry and It always opened the door to more sorry's and behavior that got worse never better. I was so good at settling for sorry that even in the absence of an apology I created one and told myself they didn't mean it and that they were sorry. Not only had I become a pro settling for sorry from others but I found myself constantly apologizing for for my actions, words, and even my ideas and beliefs. I can now see how harmful that was to my emotional and physical health but can't remove the scars I have because I settled for sorry so many times.
The reason I'm devoting an entire chapter to this topic is to discourage my readers from ever settling for sorry or becoming sorry themselves. I'm not saying it's not ok to accept an apology from a friend, spouse or co-worker, I'm saying stop settling for Sorry. I wanted to use dictionary definitions for this to better prove my point: sorry: inspiring sorrow, pity, scorn, or ridicule. and Apologize: To express regret for something that one has done wrong. The obvious difference here is that when one is sorry they are in part inspiring sorrow or pity and that means to me the one being inspired most likely is the one receiving the sorry. On the other side, the apologizer is expressing regret to another for something they did wrong. Doesn't it make better sense to accept apologizies instead of settling for sorrow and pity?
The experience I had settling for sorry always led me to that constant state of pity and sorrow for my aggressor and subjected myself to constant abuse and ridicule with no consequence. I was so good at settling for sorry that I started teaching others how to get away with mistreating me with a simple sorry. After a while they stopped saying sorry because it neither meant anything nor did it detour them from continuing the same behavior over again. Eventually I taught them they didn't need to say sorry because I was full of sorrow and pity for them and their behavior already so I would absorb any scorn or ridicule they could face. Not only was I shouldering undeserving emotions from the sorrow and pity of another mans actions but I was also battling the physcial wounds and extreme emotional distress that the abuse was having on me.
If someone really feels remorse or regret for something they did that caused you pain or discontent then they will Apologize using that word vs the "Sorry" word. In the same breathe let me express the importance of recognizing a "Sorry" excuse for unacceptable behavior the very first time so it doesn't become your sorrow and self pity. When I encounter those words after I feel i've been wronged I immediately ask them, are you really trying to inspire me to feel sorrow and pity after you wronged me? I know right away when I hear, I apologize for hurting your feelings, or I apologize for stepping on your foot that I'm dealing with a genuine individual who actually feels regretful and more than likely won't do it again.
If you get only one tool from my Beautiful Dysfunction I call my life than this one could possibly provide you with all you'll need to protect yourself and remove toxic relationships and detrimental situations. Please practice this as often as it's presented to you and I promise you will teach yourself how to spot a sorry vs regretful person after the first incident of wrong doing. The next time you think about or find yourself feeling sorrow for someone that's wronged you, You should examine more closely the exact reason your feeling the sorrow and self pity.
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Lessons Learned
RandomI've made many mistakes in my life and I've learned so much from each one of them. Here are a few of them and the potentially life saving lessons you can learn.
