in my right mind

5

As I looked outside I noticed how much the outside weather had changed in a matter of few minutes that had been my exchange with James. The sun was hidden behind a cloud and the  chilly air was windy. Where the glass pane had a small opening at the top, a single leaf whooshed in wish a gush of strong wind. The golden leaf pirouetted down to my feet and I almost wondered where it had come from in this weather. Almost. My mind was too caught up with other things.

"Why do you say that?" James's voice rang in the background, reverberating in my head like a volcano. All of a sudden, a fresh wave of tears broke though to my eyes and fell over. I turned around sharply.

"Why are you back now when you didn't think of coming ONCE in the last four years!" My voice shook and my teeth chattered as I screamed at him. It was not purposeful, I had not expected it to happen, but it did happen. I was angry and happy and the salty tears made me feel sore and raw at the same time.

"Hanna..." He said slowly, with a pained expression on his face. He closed his eyes in concentration and wondered what he could tell me now that I had burst. The feeling I got when he said my name was almost calming and expanded my chest with pleasure and warmth but I pushed it aside and focused on the matter at hand.

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James focused hard on what to tell his sister. He wanted to tell her the truth but he was scared and afraid of what reaction she might have on hearing that. He simply didn't have the courage to tell her yet. On second thoughts, he decided to stall a bit.

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"You might want to not scream, do you want our parents to wake up?" Is what he continued his sentence with. Although it angered me a bit more, I realised there was truth to his words. I sucked in a deep breath and just sat down on the ground with my head in my hands, trying to make sense of it all.

Almost instantly I heard steps make their way over to where I was and then I felt a body sit down besides me. A warm jacket fell around my bare arms and I snuggled deep into the depths of it.

"Hanna, I have something important to tell you. I need to know that you will not freak out and that you will stay calm," he spoke tentatively. I kept my face hidden in my arms. I was just listening to his words and not signaling I had even heard them. He put an arm on my shoulder and sighed.

"I'm sorry for leaving you like that Hanna, but you have to understand that I couldn't come back. The reason why I left was not only because I was getting away, it was.. more of a desperate attempt to do something about getting you to security. You wouldn't have been able to go to college like I did with the education they had refused to give you!" He paused at this point. I still hadn't learned something I hadn't already known. He had told me this when I was thirteen. Nothing was new.

"I didn't go to college..." He finally spoke. I gasped.

"What?!?!" I turned around to look at him, shocked.

"I left with the intent of college, but somewhere in the way I landed somewhere else. Somewhere much, much better," I could hear the excitement in his voice. I could see the light glinting in his eyes. I could almost feel the pieces clicking in place in his head as he tried to put whatever it was out to me in the simplest way possible. I motioned him to carry on with my eyes.

"And I'm sorry I didn't come back at all, but once I had entered the place I couldn't leave. I wanted to but it was against the law. I couldn't come and tell you what I was seeing, because it was too early," he closed his eyes at this moment. I could feel his brain trying to sum up the information he was about to deliver. He continued, "but now it's time. It's time for you to go where you have always belonged. I can't tell you where or how but I want to know if you'll come with me today?" He rushed it out. I looked into his eyes, trying to unwind the mystery. Trying to figure out what it really was that was happening.

My whole life I have been plunged into a mystery and dealt with like I had no say. My whole life I had just watched as everything I had dreamed of got snatched away, as everything that I always wanted never happened. I hated disturbance. I hated change. How could my brother just appear out of nowhere after four years, the four years where he didn't even try to reach out to me, and I thought - no I beleived - that he was gone, and expect me to just go with him wherever he came from. Believing people, even the people closest to me, was extremely difficult for me. I had been lied to a lot. Whatsoever his explanation might be, I wasn't ready to forgive and move on.

"You can't just expect me to... I... I'll think about it..." I said heavily. My throat was dry and heavy all of a sudden. The sour foreplay of tears hung onto it. I contorted my face in a tight expression, trying to keep myself strong and independent.

"I leave at 5... this time, I don't wanna go alone," he told me. When I didn't reply, he sighed and sat back. A soft serenity had filled my heart at that moment. I felt calm but conflicted nevertheless.

After a few minutes of complete silence, he stood up and slowly walked to the door. With one final glance at me, he left. I felt a weird emptiness inside me, like my stomach had plunged into the ground. My fists clenched inside the jacket and I held it closer to myself as the tears finally streaked down my face and my expression broke.