in my right mind

6

I could hear steps coming to the kitchen and I froze. I had been trying to sneak in some food from the fridge after the growing hunger had started to claw at my insides like a beast. With a piece of bread in my hand, I retreated my steps backwards and into the pantry.

With my heart jumping in my throat, I hid behind a tall rack full of vegetables. The piece of bread fell out my hand as someone entered the kitchen. They must have placed themselves on the kitchen island judging by the shadow. More footsteps followed.

"I haven't seen Hanna anywhere! I shudder to think where that troublesome git has vanished off too, God forbid she can't be released today to mess our lives up!" My mother's voice rang in my ears. She sounded as if she could bury me right now so I would disappear forever. I breathed heavily, trying to keep from panicking. I tried to tell myself that they didn't know I was here. I kept reminding myself what she was saying was nothing new.

"Do you really expect me to even think of thinking of her on this amazing day? As long as she stays out of my shoe she can walk into the sun for all I care!" Meredith said in a very duh tone. I puckered my mouth so as to keep from crying. My sister had always lived the life I wanted. But God forbid, I never wanted to be like her. Not even close.

"You know what I meant, Dotty. I'm just worried she'll mess your day up. Oh, I'm just so eager to finally catch her! Not because I want to see her wretched self! No! But the things I have in store for her today. She'll be occupied for a year..." I could hear the family pride flowing off of her tongue. She clapped her hands like a butcher. I shuddered visibly. I had heard these kind of things too many times to actually be affected normally by it. Nevertheless, all these cruel words still affected me a lot. Much less, but it was enough.

I stopped peeking out at them and settled with my back against the large rack. My hunger was long forgotten and the tears broke through my closed eyelids and down my cheeks. I was worthless. That is what I had always been taught, that I was worthless.

"Mom," I held my breath as Meredith spoke again. I could imagine her downing OJ between her words. She continued after a large slurp, "she wouldn't dare to mess up my day... she knows what I can do to her poor self, she just wouldn't dare."

Her tone voiced confidence and her words were a blatant sneer. Nothing but anger and hate grew inside me for the evil twat I had been taught to call sister. Not that it mattered now because we didn't talk.

"What a shame though, poor Cinderella doesn't even have a prince charming," she continued with her loud insults. Almost like she knew I was in earshot. Oh, how could she miss an opportunity to put me in my place? She couldn't.

"Oh but you will, my only child, my pride! Let us not waste more time talking about someone who is of no concern to us whatsoever," my mother replied in an excruciatingly sweet tone. I was reminded how she never had or never will use that tone on me. Even when it sounded so fake, I had always wished it would be directed towards me at least once, but all I had in store was the harsh words that weren't even used with slaves.

I crumpled into a proper heap as my heart fell apart into a million tiny shards yet again. The tears wouldn't stop, but a sound wouldn't come out of my mind. Shivers ran through my body despite James's warm jacket that was wrapped around me. I heard footsteps exit the kitchen by the front door. After a few minutes of just silent tears, it struck me harder than it did and I stood up and walked into the kitchen.

The place that should've been a familiar fire of warmth to me was a place I loathed. I looked around fervently to find an escape as a blurry door shifted in and out of my focus. Almost tripping on my feet at the door, I ran my way into the backyard barefoot.

I couldn't focus on the cold that seeped in at my soles or the cold air that slapped at my face. Just a few feet outside, in the very shady garden, I tripped on a fallen branch and fell to the ground. A few minutes of heavy sobbing brought about dryness. I saw it coming. This had happened too many times now. I closed my eyes.

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I opened my eyes in a dark room. Someone had closed all the windows. It was a room I didn't recognise because of the lack of lighting, but I had a small feeling it wasn't someplace in the villa.

I was lying in a bed. An actual bed. My bones were aching with the comfort. I didn't have the power to appreciate it or the warm blanket around me.

I woke up with the intent of finding James. Pure hatred was burning inside me. Venom was flowing through my veins. I was too tired, too depressed to think of revenge. All I wanted was to leave and to never come back.

For a second I deliberated staying and fighting for myself and for my life but that thought died as soon as it had appeared. I didn't have that energy inside me. I was cold and freezing and hungry and exhausted.

"Hanna.." I heard a soft voice speak my name. I slowly turned around to see James. I looked into his eyes intently for about 5 seconds before he came next to the bed. Without even realising how I did it, I had him in a stronghold so tight he was fighting for his breath. I just hugged him for a long fifteen minutes.

"I'll go with you," I told him while we were still hugging. I took a deep breath, taking in his safe smell, and continued, "I remember how I always trusted you with my life, because I knew you'd always find a way to save me. The past four years, I learned to dispose of every trust I had in me for everyone. You weren't there, the only person I loved so much and depended on wasn't there and I was so angry at you... but again.. you found me... and somehow, that is why... I want to trust you again because anywhere, unknown or known, is better than here... promise me you will never leave me again," I said weekly.

I didn't have the courage to say it to his face. I looked so vulnerable, so weak. I almost smiled at the prospect of wanting to be strong for my brother. With a lot of courage I continued, "I missed you James... I love you," and I squeezed tighter into his warmth. Silent tears fell onto his shoulder. He didn't say anything, just held me close.

"I love you too babygirl, and I promise you, I will never leave you alone again. I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry," he finally said. His voice was thick, like he was crying too. A small smile lit my face up, and I could imagine our wet faces shining in the sunlight. I could feel his smile.

After a little while we finally pulled apart. With smiles permanently plastered on our faces we looked at each other as he wiped off my tears with his thumb. At that exact moment he made an expression and motioned me to wipe his tears too. Before I could take action on it, he said,

"Come on, don't be the only Cinderella here, I didn't cry for no reason!" I hadn't smiled so wide for four years. On another occasion I would have hit him on the back of his head, or made a retort about how he was the perfect Cinderella with those tiny shoulders -that he totally didn't have- but I decided to just go with wiping the tears for now.

When it got too cheesy for either of us to go on with the tear wiping and nostril cleaning, I decided to make the air more bearable by saying,

"So what's the plan, fam."