A week passed. Then two. It got colder, and one day I woke up and it was November 2nd and I realized a month had passed.
I went to see Caleb one Saturday. I don't even know why I decided to go see him, except for the fact that I wanted to see someone other than my girl friends. Christina was putting on a brave face for the rest of us, but I knew she was falling apart. She had seemed to age years the night Elle died. She was already mature for her age, but now she seemed like she was thirty instead of seventeen. She buried herself in work; homework and writing and cleaning constantly. Lacie had gotten into a habit of drinking herself into oblivion every night. I rarely saw Alex anymore except for at school. She slept at Tom's apartment most nights. I guess it was their way of forgetting.
When I went to Caleb's house on a cold early November morning, I knocked on the door and his older brother, Derek, opened it.
"Hi, Gem." He said. He didn't even seem surprised that I was there, even though I never went to his house.
"Hi. Is Caleb here?"
"Yeah." He pushed open the door and I walked into the cramped, dark hall. "He's upstairs. Second bedroom on the right."
I walked up the creaking stairs and to the second door. I hesitated before raising my hand and knocking.
"Come in." Caleb's voice came from somewhere behind the door. I pushed it open and found myself in a small, bright, surprisingly clean room. Caleb sat on his small, neatly made bed, flipping through a magazine and looking up when he saw me come in.
"Oh. Hey, Gemma." He looked surprised that I was there, but tossed aside the magazine and sat up. "What's up?"
"I don't know." I said truthfully. "I don't even know what I'm doing here."
"You miss Elle." He said matter-of-factly, a sad look in his eyes.
"I do. I never thought...we can't get along without her, Caleb. Christina doesn't ever smile anymore. Lacie and Alex are never there. They're always with Liam and Tom. Even when I see them, they're not really there. I don't know what to do. I'm lost."
"You and me both." He said.
"You liked her, didn't you?" I asked hesitantly. I knew all Elle had wanted was to be Caleb's girl. I think he had liked her back. And then I knew why I was here. Caleb and I had Elle in common. He cared about her, too.
"Yeah." He admitted. "She came and saw me in the hospital."
"When?" I asked. I hadn't known.
"The day before...you know. The fight."
We were silent for a few minutes. I stared out his window, down at the street below.
"We kissed." His voice was quiet.
"In the hospital?"
"Yeah."
"That's all she ever wanted, you know." I told him.
"I loved her, Gem. Do you think she knew?"
"She knew, Caleb." I sat back and I wanted to cry. Elle had gotten what she had wanted. She had died knowing that Caleb loved her. She had died young and innocent and in love and not ready to leave. Not nearly ready.
****
My grades were slipping. I had never been particularly good in English, but now my math and science and history grades were falling, too. I failed tests, didn't turn in homework, and gave up on studying. I guess it all seemed so stupid and juvenile now. Working to make perfect A grades wouldn't help you when your best friend was dead. Getting a 100 on a test wouldn't help you when you were in the middle of a fight with a kid pointing a gun in your face. School was useless, stupid, pointless. It didn't matter. It never had.
On Friday afternoon, my English teacher Mrs. Grant came up to me as I was gathering my bag up to leave her class. I wanted to get out of there, to go home so I could sit in my dark room and think about nothing.
"Gemara, can you stay back for a few minutes?" She called as I slid my books into my bag.
"Sure." I said grudgingly, walking up to her desk.
"I think we need to discuss your grades."
"What about them?" I asked, even though I knew what.
"You've been failing my class for the past two months, Gemara. I know..." She hesitated. "I know Elle's death has been difficult for all of us. For you, I know you were her close friend. But I don't want to see you needing to take remedial classes or summer school, Gemara. I know you're a smart girl."
"Mmm." I nodded, head down.
"You could see about earning extra credit. You're aware of the extra credit program---"
"Yeah, I know." Our school has a system of giving extra credit to kids who help at school events or doing work for teachers. But now, the last place I wanted to be was a public event.
"The Winter Dance is next Friday." Mrs. Grant clasped her hands together. "You could work at the tables for extra credit."
I frowned at the ground. The annual formal at the beginning of December was something I had planned on skipping, spending the night at home in peace, away from all the stupid people's saw every day at school anyway. It was enough to have to see the faces of the Columbus kids every day. The last thing I wanted to do was put on a dress and heels and curl my hair to go stand in a dark gym for three excruciating hours.
"You're failing your classes, Gemara. I'm trying to help." She said, giving me that sympathetic, I-care-about-you sort of look.
"Fine. I'll work at the dance." I said, lifting my bag higher on my shoulder. "Thanks." I said, because I had to, walking to the door with a hopeless look on my face.
