What Am I To Them? (Based On My True Story)

1 ~ A Family

Once I was done with my drawing I smiled, I admired my own art. I started to sing along with the music in my ears, and all of a sudden my door was banged open by my older brother, Nath, his face was furious as it showed so much anger. "Stop singing, its so loud and annoying, your voice isn't even nice to hear!" I just nod my head silently and hung my head low. He then storms out the room banging my door close.

I sigh in relief and stayed quiet, recalling his hurtful words. It hurts so bad that I feel his words cut through my skin and into my heart. He just doesn't know how broken I am, I am in the process of recovering, but he breaks me again. But this time he breaks me into thousands of pieces. How hard it is to take those words he said, even in the past. Every single day I am discouraged, every single day I am losing hope, and everyday I am broken. Whenever I walk in school or come back at home, I always put a smile on my face. To show them that I was fine. But behind those smiles, were pain. In the outside I was fine, but deep inside of me I was hurt.

I lock my thoughts up in me, I never shared my pain and my sufferings. Even though I did share it no one would probably listen to it. I sigh again, I slump myself on the bed and stare upon the ceiling, it was plain and somewhat empty. Just like me. I smiled a sad smile, hoping my life would just come to an end, hoping that I never existed. I remember the time I attempted suicide but failed badly. Yes I tried to kill myself, but it just did not work.

••••••

I was in my cousins house, with my cousins and my annoying brother, Nath. My Father was out to buy food for us, my mother stayed at home with my younger siblings. So it was just us five, me, Nath, and my three other cousins.
They kept on annoying me, I stayed patient, but they just wouldn't stop and kept annoying me. I still stayed patient. They annoy me again, and again, and again. I lost my patience and stormed out to the kitchen clenching my knuckles. I sat on a chair and just stared at them at a distance, I was terribly mad and annoyed at the same time. I look around me an spotted a swiss knife nearby. I then just smiled and grabbed it opening the knife. There the sharp blade sparkled from the light above me.

I thought, maybe I can just at least cut myself and would be gone from this world at last. So I started cutting through my wrist, but there was no cut at all. I try again but harder this time, still there was no cut. I pouted at the result and tried once more, it doesn't work. Just in time the adults were back and was headed at my location, so I placed the knife back where it belonged and left the kitchen without saying a word. Upset.

••••••

I smiled at the memory I have recalled. It was actually funny thinking that I terribly failed cutting myself. Maybe the swiss knife wasn't sharp enough to cut through human flesh. I should have used a real knife. Which is pretty sharp. I sigh and closed my eyes, just seeing the dark space, just seeing the blackness. Seeing how empty I am. It just saddens me. Was I born to live this life? "Mary, are you awake?" My mother says softly from the other room just beside me. "Yeah why?" I ask too. "Can you wash the dishes please?" I just smiled and nodded my head gently "sure!" I then stood up and headed towards the kitchen. I admit I love my mom, not just my mom, but I love my family. They may all hurt me physically and emotionally, but they are still my family. They can be loving and caring as well, but they sometimes get mad as well.

All I can say is that no family is perfect... We argue, we fight. We even stop talking to each other at times, but in the end, family is family ... The love will always be there.

I love my strict father, I love my hard mother, I love my annoying brothers, I love my demanding sister. I love them all but one, I can never love myself. They say no one is perfect but God. Yes everyone may not be perfect, I am as well too. I feel disgusted about myself, I bring disgrace to my family and everyone around me. Well that is what I believe in. Once I finished washing I immediate went back up to my room and looked out my window, it was dark, I look up in the sky and stare at the beautiful sight. The stars are shining bright as ever, the stars gleaming with hope, with so much light. While I am so empty filled with despair and so much negativity.

I smiled softly, as I continue to stare upon the sky. I slowly close my eyes and felt the breezy air caressing my cheeks softly. It felt so good. Just forgetting about my life for once and relax, forgetting about my past and stay calm. It felt so nice. But it didn't last long, the beauty was then destroyed by mother nature. The dark clouds covers the shining stars of hope, the wind was getting colder by the minute and there was no stars to be seen but grey dark clouds thundering with anger, and it soon started to rain, very hard. I closed my window and stared outside sadly.

I sigh tiredly and went back to bed, it is supposedly dinner time, but I'm not eating. I'm not in the mood of eating. I'll let my hunger pass for now and just sleep it all off. Sleep my past, my sufferings off. For them, for my family, for my loved once.