Journal of a Madman

27th November 2016

What a depressing weekend, truely disgusting. I've been waiting for this day since Thursday and that oppertunity to escape from the hell hole that is my house. I don't exactly consider my house a "home" like most other families do. My family isn't the best, they're not all there in the head - well, they are but common logic seems to be missing. I was able to go out with my friend today for a surprise. I was told we were going to some place Henry the 8th visited so that somehow makes the place special? To me the place just seems like another posh building that people want to blow up and make it out to be something much greater than what it is - a shitty building. My friend who wants to study architecture - I hope that's what she really wants to go into was all over the place and what not so as harsh as it sounds I didn't exactly care. Architecture doesn't interest me in the slightest so I couldn't help but bat an eye.

So we got to the manor, hall or whatever you want to call it and we walked to this surprise, my friend's mother had us down to be volunteers at helping with the farm. A farm of all things. To get to the farm we had to walk through this shop that just loved to show off and flash around all the organic foods and crap they sold there. "Wow, it's all organic!" I said to myself sarcasticly, in the end of the day it's just the same stuff you would buy at the supermarket; it's food. Don't even get me started on the prices, like I imagined it was some pretentious little shop that couldn't help but boast how the foods were organic and grown by hand - yes we get it, well done. I was more interested in the meat there - and how organic that was and essentally no different from the meat you buy at the shop. I suppose I was interested because of the fact that that meat was on a living animal and not pretentiously showed off but instead it was in a fridge at the end of the room - most likely so the vegans wouldn't cry about animal death or whatever.

What made it worse was that half of all the foods there looked like mold had started to eat away the veggies, couldn't help but laugh at that.

We finally got out of the shop to be greeted by piggies, sheep and goats all in fairly large pens - quite friendly animals and all very cute. As someone who loves animals I can appreciate the effort that goes into looking after livestock however at the same time I understand that meat is quite a staple in human consumption and it was very pleasing to see these animals having such freedom in these pens - they had space, water and there were larger pens outside where they could roam and play. I personally don't like seeing animals in small spaces next to eachother like you see in more industrial farms - if you can even call them farms. I can be happy eating bacon, pork and what not knowing that the animal was raised free range, knowing that that pig or chicken grew up in freedom, able to run and play around on a farm like the one I visited today - I can really appreciate the farm for that one.

So we ended up working in the fields, nothing too dirty - thank God. We had to add cardboard to the base of the trenches so that no weeds could grow up and destroy the crops - the cardboard also acted as a nice mulch for the plants that would degrade over the years. They loved to say that nothing was wasted and yea, good thinking really using unwanted cardboard as mulch for the growing crops. I personally wasn't a fan of the outdoor labor so for the most part I just tore apart cardboard and shovled compost on the dirt. It was alright I suppose, got me out and active but it just didn't interest me, I wasn't bothered by it I was just kind of dragged into it without knowing. So with that said and done I left early to gather my thoughts and have a fag.

Once I started smoking I was able to focus on my mind and the environment around me - a beautiful countryside with orange autmn leaves. Truely stunning, most of the time i'm inside procrastinating but the moment I step of that house, that hell hole of a place I feel free, I feel strangth to do things. I remember one time in July when the Pokemon GO app was popular I decided to go out for a walk. Even though the app didn't work because of issues I still went for a walk anyway - because it was a nice summber day. I was out for a good 5 hours that day, it's proof that when you get me the fuck out of that hell hole of a house I am able to spread my wings and be free. I felt calm - thanks to the nicotine but it's because of the nicotine I was able to be aware of where I was. Perhaps one day I will naturally be aware, be naturally motivated and able to do things without having a kick start - or some cancerous drug to do it for you.

After the farm work we went to a little cafe that was made from of the manor's extensions. Was a pretty little place where of course everything was overpriced. Hot chocolate was nice however, very nice. We ate lunch there and that was it. Nothing special apart from the amount of dogs in the cafe - all very friendly and lovely to be around. Although the cafe was small it was surprising how many people could fit inside it. 

After the visit to the manor place we headed off to see my friend's nan. We drove off to the care home and the place looked like a hospital - my first time visiting a care home. All the elderly people's doors were open - do they not have any privicy? We walked to the end of the building to one of the living rooms to meet her - I was reminded she had dementia, she couldn't talk and couldn't walk. As we walked in I saw her in a large chair - bound to it. She was a lovely woman I could tell, but due to her dementia I couldn't hear her, she was mutes because of this and only able to moan and make a few sounds. She was able to respond with facial expressions but that was useless because she would forget who we were every 5 minutes or so. I just sat there, watching my friend and her mum constantly tell her "It's Natasha." I couldn't help but wonder what goes through my friend's head knowing that her grandmother doesn't even know who she is or who anyone really is because of her mind. I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to forget everything - how to function and remember your own family. I can't imagine losing everything - I could be fine losing everything so long as I had the two things keeping me alive; my mind and my stories. I remember nearly two years ago soemone I loved essentally killed me, I lost my passion to write, draw and create. The only thing left was my ideas - If i lost my ideas I most likely wouldn't be alive today - my stories are my life, they are what I live for and they are what keep my breathing. If I woke up tomorrow and I forgot my stories, If I found out about forgetting my own creations I knew this would be the death of me - I would have lost my only reason to live. I would just end it there to be honest.

There are not many things that scare me - sure I can get spooked like any other person but to be truely terrified is something I don't feel very offen. As someone who has lost the concept of complex emotions I know when something strikes me, now I know there is more than one thing that scares me. I am scared of myself - and what I can become if I lose my grip on reality and I have manifested that aspect in my stories - it is that that scares me the most; and thanks to paranoia and anxiety I think this manifestation is real. The other thing that scares me is losing my mind in two ways - I go insane or just forgetting everything, I feel like the manifestation might kill me that way because it knows the only thing keeping me alive are my stories. I can't let it win.

After meeting such a lovely woman we went back to my friend's house to have dinner in a more light atmosphere - couldn't help myself to another fag but lucky for me my friend rolled me one. Thanks, now I have four for the rest of the week! I was able to confidently talk about college and finaly making a connection with some of the people in my class - very satisfying to finally talk to someone about me and what happens in my life - even if it doesn't seem interesting. After we smoked I helped prepare dinner by making potato wedges - a batch with paprika and another with some other spices - turned out very well infact. Very tasty and very filling. Tonight was very very calming - I felt like I was apart of a family, eating at a table and eating together and talking about how good the food is - something that doesn't exist in the hell hole of my house. 

The day came to a close and I had to go back home - my room is my home, it's just in a house is all. The sky was clear and the stars were bright - very inspiring to see the stars. I was given food so I wouldn't go hungry at all during the week (that is of course I eat wisely). Today was an interesting day, very bi-polar I would say. One part we're helping on the farms, the other we're thinking about concepts that are hard to talk about to sitting around a table like a family. 

It's times like these I wish I could show my deep appreciation to my friends who care for me more than my family - but at the same time I can't let myself slip up again. These riends are really like a 2nd family to me and I've said this many times before but I don't think i've ever said it with passion like I do now. I know if I lose this family, these great friends I know I wont't make it far. I might even lose my mind to the manifestation and just end it there. Then again, I said that nearly two years ago when I was essentally killed. I feel like history might repeat itself soon, It might just me my paranoia however.