i jumped down from the smooth granite counter after i put away the last glass. i smooth out my shirt and took out my high ponytail. i shook my head back and forth and ran my fingers through it in an attempt to make myself look presentable. "i hate doing the dishes," i mumbled to myself and walked out of the kitchen in annoyance.
i head upstairs to shawn and i's room. i walk in and shut the door behind me. i sigh while i peel off my t-shirt and leggings and grab one of shawn's hoodies. i peer down and see the bottom of his clothing his the top of my knee. his scent so distinguishable, that it makes me want to cry. i shut my eyes wrap my arms around myself and imagine he was here. something's better than nothing, right?
recently, shawn has been busy and stressed from work. as a result, he's been going out and coming home at early hours in the morning, drunk. usually, i wait for him to arrive home before i get into bed, but my body is much too exhausted. i need to get some sleep. two hours isn't enough for me.
i get in bed and check the time. 10:53pm. i scoot into my sheets and pull the covers over my head, bringing my knees up to my chest. i shut my eyes but i can't seem to fall asleep. my thoughts keep wandering to him. a spiral of emotions course through my veins. fear. sadness. anger. love.
i shove off the covers and throw my legs over the side of the bed. i check the time again. 2:21am. i glance at his side of the bed but shocker! he's not there. honestly, what was I expecting?
i'm finished with this behavior. i know i sound like a mom, not his girlfriend but i'm just done. i've put up with this for too long and i don't deserve it. i frustratingly walk towards our walk-in closet and grab my small duffel.
i begin to stuff clothes in it. i grab at my underwear, bras, socks, leggings, shirts, sweatpants. just enough to last a few nights. i stand on my tip-toes and try to reach my favorite backpack- mostly because shawn had given it to me- but my 5'1 frame can't quite make it. i pull out a stool and reach, feeling my fingers brush against the black bag. i grasp onto it and yank it down. as i do so, i hear the doorknob turn.
"honey?" he yawned, the stench of alcohol prominent but he sounded sober. "what are you doing?"
"nothing, don't worry about it." i blatantly responded, tears beginning to sting the corners of my eyes. willing yourself to not cry didn't work quite as well as i had hoped.
my curiosity gets the best of me as i turn towards his face and notice his furrowed brow. i follow his line of sight from me to my duffel. he glances back up at me, realizing my intentions. he knows what he's done. the regret on his face slowly take over his features.
"you're leaving me?" tears fill his hazel eyes and his voice shakes. i face away from the heartbreaking sight.
"just for a few days until you get it together." i say, my voice barely audible.
"what?"
"shawn," I breathe out. i turn to face him again, tears now streaming down my cheeks. "almost everyday for the past few weeks you have been coming home at two in the morning, wasted. i sit on our couch and i wait for you to come back. while you're out, i wait, wondering if you're getting drunk because maybe i'm not enough for you. or maybe you've found another girl who's so much better and prettier than me. we both know you can have any girl you want and that you could do so much better than me. but i wait, hoping you get home safe and that i get to see you again. i just sit and wait because god, i love you so much more than words could ever convey." i pause and take a breath. before shawn gets a chance to speak i continue.
"not only that, but when you do come home, i am always the one who changes you and gets you to bed. i leave some advil out in the morning for you with water in hopes that you won't get a hangover because i know you work hard and you never are satisified with your work when you do it with a headache. and what do i get? nothing. not a single thank you. when was the last time you have said i love you to me, shawn? huh? i text you good morning and you don't text back! i wish you good luck on your studio sessions, and meetings, and interviews, but i get no response. i tell you i love you every single goddamned day but i never get to hear it! i'm so sick of waiting and i'm tired of being treated like this! i have been through enough shit in my life already, shawn, and i don't deserve to feel like i don't matter again! i don't!"
i look up at his gaping mouth, and choked sobs begin to fall out from mine. i look behind me and hide my face in my hands.
he remains silent and then finally says, "i'm sorry. i'm so fucking sorry." he takes a shaky breath. "y/n, honey, look at me." i shake my head, tears still pouring. his voice softens. "love? please?" i feel his hands on my shoulders as he turns me towards him. he clutches me into his chest, my tiny body hidden behind his muscular arms. he tucks his face into my neck and plants a kiss. i soon feel wetness on my skin as i pull away. my features etched with concern, i run my thumbs under his eyes and wipe away his tears. i gaze into his glistening brown orbs, trying to read his emotions.
"sweetie, why are you crying?" i speak up. he sniffles and is once again quiet before he responds.
"oh god y/n, i just don't want to lose you." he pauses and fidgets with his fingertips. "i know i've been busy and haven't spent time with you. you and i both know that this is not how i should be dealing with it. i promise i am so grateful for everything you have done and continue to do for me every day. i love you so much and i know i fucked up bad and that i don't deserve you, but i don't want you to leave. please don't leave. i'm sorry." i grasp him back into a hug as he continues cry. i suck in a breath between my teeth.
"i know, shawn, i know," i place my hands on his biceps and pull away, looking him in the eye. "i'll stay. i love you."
he lets out a slow breath and connects our foreheads, holding my face between his large palms. "fuck, i love you too."
