t.w. (anorexia/eating disorder)
from that moment on, i was determined to lose weight.
i avoided food and started working out for several hours a day. my whole life i have had issues with my body. my mum side of the family was curvier and that's the shape i got. my parents always used to compared me to my skinny sisters who go my dad's body shape. plus, being shawn mendes' girlfriend tends to get you a bit of attention. turns out that, people aren't afraid of pointing out my flaws. shawn knew about this and had tried his best from the very beginnning to make me feel beautiful and loved. he made me feel perfect. i don't understand what changed.
i stood in front of the mirror and i poked at my stomach. my ribs were peeking through, but i still had stuff that i could pinch. my thighs still weren't completely apart. a tear slid down my cheek and i brushed it off my face.
"honey, are you okay in there?" shawn asked through the door. i sniffled and pulled down my sweatshirt.
"um, yeah. i'll be out in a sec." i suck in a breath and wipe under my eyes. my hands shake as i turn the door knob. i step past shawn, but he grabs my wrist and pulls me back around.
"have you been crying?"
"no, my contact was being weird so my eye became irritated. that's why i was in there."
"okay... do you want to go out for dinner?" shawn looks so hopeful, but i can't eat. i can't do it.
"uh i'm actually not feeling too well. i'm going to go to bed," i reply quietly. i walk away and lie down on our bed. i don't actually try to fall asleep, and instead stare at the wall. i begin to sob as i wrap myself into a cocoon with the sheets. i just want to be perfect.
"okay y/n, cut the crap. i know something is wrong. you never eat anymore and you work out constantly- which i found out from the fans. you're losing a ton of weight. whats the deal?" shawn say this as he bursts into the bedroom. i stay silent and then feel a weight press down on the other side of the bed. "darling, what's wrong?"
"what do you think, shawn?" my voice cracks, but you can sense the bitterness in my tone. he lays besides me and his warm hand rests on my small waist. i turn towards him.
"oh my god. you're so tiny." tiny. i've always wanted to be tiny. a little frame to go along with my short height, instead of so much fat. i was done being huge. "why? why do you do this to yourself?" his breath hitches in his throat and a tear rolls and falls onto our white sheets.
"i want to be perfect for you. i don't want you to think i'm fat anymore, shawn," i breathe out. i didn't mean for this to happen. i didn't want it to cross the line. all i wanted was to be perfect. perfect for him. for the media. for myself. i guess this is his fault, but the last thing i want to do is tell him that.
"love, you have never ever been fat? how could you think that?"
"how could i not?" you said it yourself i thought. "but it doesn't really matter why. honestly." i could hear my heart in my ears; it was pounding. does he not remember?
"yes, it does! i can't stand to see you like this!!" his voice cracks and my composure breaks a little. then, i lose it.
"i know that! why do you think i tried so hard to lose the weight for you?! i didn't want you to think i could 'stand to be a little skinnier sometimes'," i mocked. tears poured down my cheeks. i don't even remember getting out of bed, but i was pacing around the room at this point. "this sucks, shawn. i can't eat anything anymore without feeling like puking or crying or both! everything has become calories at this point! how many calories are in the envelope adhesive? how many calories will i burn by walking to the fridge and getting some fucking celery? it's horrible, but i hate feeling fat. i dont want you to be embarrased of me." i heave out a breath and sit on the floor with my head in my palms.
"this is my fault, isn't it?" he pauses. "the night when it all started. i remember. god, i'm so sorry. so so sorry, y/n." he wraps his strong arms around me. his large hand pushes the hair away from my tear soaked cheeks. he holds my face and whispers, "i will love you no matter what. i'm sorry for ever making you think otherwise. we'll fix this, okay? i'm here."
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