A Jacob Sartorius Lovestory

This is weird as hell

"So, Jacob, you know how I always call you Papi?"

"Yes?"

"Well, there's about to a new face in this world calling you papi."

Jacob went silent for a moment, I could nearly see all the thoughts racing through his mind. I wouldn't blame him if he left me right this instant.

"MOM GET THE ONION RINGS," He yelled to his mom. I thought this was strange but he stared at me with such loving eyes that I forgave him for neglecting to respond to what I was telling him.

He smiled at me as his mom placed the onion rings on the coffee table. Jacob picked one up and twirled it around his finger. He stared intently at it, then stood up, and got down on one knee in front of me.

What was he doing? He couldn't be tying his shoes, he only wears crocs, could he be. . .

"Katie, from the moment I saw you, I knew you were the chick I'd want to marry. You're rad as heck, and 10/10 would bang again. And now that you're prego, there's no excuse for me to wait 20 years to ask! So, will you, Katie I-Dont-Know-Your-Last-Name, marry me?"

"Oh my gosh, yes, yes, a million times yes!" I shrieked excitedly. I was about to become Katie Sartorius! This was every girl's dream, and he chose me! Not to mention, his crop is growing inside me as we speak. "So, Jacob, babe, does that mean you are okay with the baby?"

"Of course! This is going to be lit! I'm going to be a fire dad!" He exclaimed. "But, there is one thing..." My heart stopped, everything was going so well, what could be wrong? "I don't think I can wait 9 whole months for this baby, so I'm just going to go get it now," he said matter-of-factly. 

What does that mean, he's going to 'go get it now'? Is he proposing that he. . .

Before I know it Jacob has pulled my pants and underwear down. 

"BRB babe," He said, before crawling inside of my vagina. It was strange, the sensation of having an entire 14 year old boy inside of your vagina, but I knew he would never hurt me. I heard him rustling around down there, as if he was looking for something. Finally, after a weirdly pleasant 4 minutes, his head popped out of me. He pushed on the sides of me, and heaved himself out of my body. He was covered in a slimey substance, and he was carefully holding something in his hand. It was the baby. It was the size of an edamame bean, pink, and literally just looked like a piece of skin, but it was OUR baby. 

"Sorry babe, I just couldn't wait nine months," He said guiltily. 

I simply laughed, that was just like my Jacob: so quirky. I knew our little earlobe sized child was going to do great things in this world. Jacob and I are going to grow old together and teach our little maggot child musical.ly moves in the future. Things are shaping up well. We are going to be alright.