Kill me
Then the burden wouldn't be on me
Though i know you won't
Or at least in all honesty I hope you won't
For the small fact I don't want to burden you
I just wanted a moment
Where I could believe I could get peace
Feel good have hope even for death
Eventually I come back to the soul sucking reality
I can't die
It's not even a option for it will hurt others
Whether I hate them or I love them I care more about them then I ever have my own living life
And I know that's not living
I know that's not happiness
It's like a sad stasis pod
But it's me
For I no longer have any control and I can pretend and lie to myself
Such as when I'm having a attack
I can pretend that everything's going to be okay
But being okay is falling asleep and never waking up again
My okay is death
That's my serenity
And all the makeup and lies aren't going to fix it
You can't fix this
Trying to put single grains of sand back together is not going to make the glorious glass window it once was
Or at least nobody wants to try
Or try to understand how it broke
Or try to understand what it needs
I can't keep telling you what I need
I can't keep telling you what will set me off
And you need to stop telling me I am the attacker
That you are the helpless victim
When I don't even feel like I have control of my body
I don't choose to cry or stumble or have to take 5 minutes on one word
Just like you never chose to have a child with a messed up head
Maybe that's why you never wanted me
You can scream I'm your favorite
But actions speak louder then words
And the fact that you never want to learn how to make me better
Or remember what I say
Just so it can look like your helping
I'm sorry I'm not supposed to bring you pain
Your victimization means more then my diminishing importance and I'm sorry I take from you
This has happend enough I have begun to understand
My pain doesn't matter
I live in a land of false happiness
To make everyone happy
And I'm not being sarcastic and spiteful I am so sorry sometimes I forget
No matter how many of your words turn into knives in my back
I guess will always be my fault for standing in the way
I am so selfish
My life
My depression
My anxiety
Is my own attention seeking light
My own voice to complain
That people now can silence with their phones
You know physically I am alive
But true living isn't waiting and wishing just to die
Or pretending that if everything changes you'll be okay
it never will be a true life
When the only reason I live
Is for people who make me want to be dead
And that will always be my story

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